The Arachnid Penis
Ever since I wrote my first post (in which I suggested “The Arachnid Penis” as a good blog title) I have been trying to come up with a way to inseminate that image into a future post. It’s a relatively small (pun intended) and insignificant topic unless you happen to be a spider, so ideas weren’t pouring out of me. So maybe if I take a closer look at spiders, I will come up with something to do with the penis. (Get your mind out of the gutter.)
When we think of spiders, we usually think of their fangs and their legs. So when you add penises in, these animals are the epitome pf phallic creatures- especially since their fangs like to jam their way into other creatures. And so I must apologize for not having a picture to go with this post. I understand that sexually suggestive photography is everyone’s favorite part of biology but I am not here to pander. I am here to teach you about a serious topic that deserves your respect and undivided attention.
And at this point I am starting to sound like the average professor. How many professors like to argue that their research interests are significant, often with the assertion that all knowledge is important, but without being able to tell you exactly why your tuition dollars should help pay for their work. In fairness, there’s a lot of arcane research out there (especially in the STEM fields) that looks ridiculous or unimportant that may eventually prove valuable; therefore, we need to be careful about what research we attack as useless. However, the seventeenth book on hermaphrodites in Shakespeare’s tragedies seems like a waste of money.
As Shakespeare wrote, “I have drunk, and seen the spider.” So, too, do many professors drink and discover research pursuits that are equally small. I’ll grant that spiders are an important part of our ecosystem… but the way many professors think, “I saw the spider” means “I saw the spider naked.” And that means we’re talking about the insignificant arachnid penis again.
I propose that arachnid penises have no place at the university, with the possible exception of Women’s Studies departments. If you spend enough time around Women’s Studies professors, your anatomy will soon shrink to the size of an arachnid penis. And that helps the feminists feel good about themselves.
Ten Sickening Ways to Bribe Your Students for Food
This one goes out to all of the teachers and professors who are doing summer school duty…
It’s the 4th of July and all of the grocery stores are closed. You had wanted to have a barbecue today but you didn’t have enough time to go shopping for food yesterday. You’ve got chips, vegetables, and dip on hand but you’re short on meat. How might you go about finding some today?
In theory, you could go outside and catch some insects or small rodents; your friends might not appreciate that, but it’s always a possibility. Otherwise, you could find some ribs and you can probably get some from your students. Each student has 24 ribs and considering the way many students treat their bodies, they won’t mind if you cause a little more damage. (Well, I suppose you should at least try to be gentle with the hacksaw…) So without further ado, here are ten ways to convince students to part with their rib cages so you can enjoy a tasty treat:
1: Remind them that they will be losing weight if they part with some ribs. (That might be enough to convince them already.) Then, offer to purchase them a new shirt this weekend.
2: Give them a couple of extra days to finish the next homework assignment. Remind them that they can have more time to complete it if the loss of blood causes a medical emergency. (Teachers have to be understanding of students’ personal needs when it comes to enforcing course policies.)
3: Offer to help them fill out an application for yet another credit card. Since so many college students have problems with basic literacy skills, this could be a godsend for them.
4: Offer to buy alcohol for anyone under 21. In other words: they can have a great party this weekend if they let you have a great party now.
5: Offer them leniency in the area of course attendance. This is especially useful if all three of their grandmothers have already died this semester.
6: Offer them a signed copy of your Facebook home page. Students love knowing about their professors’ online lives and this gift will make them feel special.
7: Offer to give them an A on their term paper if they “accidentally” bleed on it.
8: Offer to buy them porn and remind them that they might be able to reach certain body parts with their mouth if they let go of a few ribs.
9: Offer to give them a full-body shave before you start extracting ribs; some kids would go wild for this. (This really isn’t a bribe because sanitary rib removal would require at least a partial body shave. You are using sanitary methods, right?)
10: For female students: remind them that their breasts will look bigger if they don’t have ribs. Offer to buy them a fancy new bra to show off in. After all, what student hasn’t always wanted to say to her friends, “look at the bra my professor bought me?”
But you may object: are you sure that today’s students are really this reckless with their health? Yes, I am sure… but student ribs probably don’t taste very good anyway. Meat always tastes like what the animal ate and barbecue should not taste like Ramen and Oreos. Plus: you might also want to avoid consuming too many ribs if you have to pass a drug test in the near future…
Moral of the story: There’s very little a teacher can do to a student that is worse than what students already do to themselves.
Why I’m Glad July 4th is During Summer Vacation
The 4th of July is almost here; while I’m looking forward to some fireworks, there are some fireworks I’m glad I won’t be seeing.
As you know, the holiday does not take place during the regular school year. This means that our colleges and universities do not have an opportunity to smear this holiday like they do for others. Let’s take Valentine’s Day as an example. On many campuses, Valentine’s Day has morphed into V-Day. No, that’s not a WWII reference and the V does not stand for Valentine. The V is for Vagina. In theory, this is a brilliant idea. Let’s take a day when many of the men will be taking a female companion out and lead up to it by constantly reminding them of vaginas. It sounds like a great rape prevention program! (Yes, that was sarcasm in case you couldn’t tell. The real reason professors support the idea of “V-Day” is that they think it will allow women to take control of language that has been used to demean them. I’m not joking.)
And so now we arrive at the Fourth of July. If college were in session, the faculty might try a different abbreviation: F-Day. I’m sure you all can come up with some nice F-words that are thematically related to vagina, so I won’t go there. Instead, I will go with the most taboo F-word on college campuses today: Failure. That’s right! Professors without tenure (and some who have tenure) cannot fail a student without putting their job in jeopardy; as I’ve indicated many times on this blog, failing students costs the university money and it can cause an academic department to receive reduced funding from the university. And since these professors can’t fail their students, they need to find someone else to fail. It makes the professors feel good about themselves.
So they choose to fail the United States, and does anyone doubt that the 4th of July would be F-Day if classes were in session? To be fair, the U.S. is hardly perfect, but there is something to be said for recognizing this country’s strengths in addition to its shortcomings. Most of the time, professors like to harp on the shortcomings to the point that the big picture is lost. Every day is F (for Failure) Day on campus when you’re talking about the United States. Let’s be glad that one day still exists every year when the pendulum is allowed to swing in the other direction.
But if you must celebrate “F-Day” tomorrow, I hope the F stands for something fun.
Happy 4th of July!
How to Sleep With Your Professor’s Wife
Dear students,
I am writing to you today to address a topic of grave concern. While the university wants you to take advantage of everything we have to offer, it has come to our attention that many of you are taking advantage of your professors’ wives. (A separate memo will be issued to students who have been sleeping with their professors’ husbands.) Because this behavior has a major impact on our community, we would like to provide some basic guidelines:
1: Use a condom. Your professors spend much of their time around attractive young people, contract a variety of STD’s, and then go home to their wives. The professor’s wife is probably quite diseased by now and should not be handled without the appropriate precautions.
2: Skip class. Your escapades will have a happier ending if the professor does not find out what you are doing. Therefore, we recommend skipping the professor’s class and visiting his wife at that time. Since you know he’ll be teaching, he can’t catch you in the act. While you might think that skipping class will be detrimental to your education, please remember that your education will be worthless if the professor kills you in a fit of rage.
3: Don’t post pictures online. We know you want to brag, but this is really inconsiderate. We expect you to adhere to the highest moral standards at all times; therefore, please make sure that your photos remain a private matter between you, the professor’s wife, and your fraternity brothers.
4: Say “thank you.” Always remember that the professor’s wife is providing you with a valuable educational experience, so be polite when it’s through. It never hurts to send her flowers or candy, but don’t pay her cash. She’s not a prostitute.
If you follow these simple recommendations, you will get the most out of your college experience without making things difficult for yourself or others. Have a nice day!
Christian Conservative Euphemism for Penis
You guessed it! It’s time for more immature penis jokes from your favorite intellectual blog!
One of my favorite (and least favorite) online writers is Mike Adams; he does satire on some of the same excesses in American higher education I like to write about. He also does some serious religious columns, which are less to my tastes.
In his columns, Adams occasionally needs to refer to the male reproductive organ. The term he uses is “hoo-hoo dilly.” He calls the vagina a “cha cha,” which makes me glad that he doesn’t like to write about Latin dancing. I know that Adams is not the only person who uses the HHD word, but I’d like to take a closer look at it anyway. I think we all know that a dilly is a small pickle from “is that a pickle in your pocket?” fame, but what is a hoo-hoo? You guessed it! It’s the female reproductive area. So, the female reproductive area plus a tiny pickle equals what, exactly? (I’ll let you use your imaginations on that one.)
But let us assume that Adams’ readers are not familiar with the term “hoo-hoo dilly” from anywhere else. What could make Adams think that a goofy-sounding phrase like that would blend in with his traditional conservative screeds on sex and sexuality? It makes you wonder just how serious he intends to be, or perhaps he knows something about religious conservatives that the rest of us don’t. These Creationism-lovers don’t seem to be too fond of science, so perhaps they have moral objections to the correct anatomical terminology. I know that religious folks sometimes prefer to stick with words that appear in the Bible, so let’s see if that would sound right:
And the LORD created Adam and gave him a hoo-hoo dilly, and it was good.
Yeah, I didn’t think so either…
Necrotic Hijinks 