Latin for Losers
At long last, it is finally Brutus’ turn to be victimized. He runs a blog that need not be named and uses a blavatar that comes from Roman sculpture. When he signed up to be featured here, he contemplated whether he could inspire much “bile.” And on his blog, he ran an article on me before he had anything to fight back against. Since he seems rather dopey, I’ll battle him on his terms and use his own language against him. That’s right! It’s time to discuss a few of my favorite Latin phrases:
Ejaculatio praecox (premature ejaculation): Brutus’ inability to keep stuff from flowing before the action starts shows that he obviously suffers from this. It might also explain why he lost his last several girlfriends.
Dulce bellum inexpertis (war is sweet to the inexperienced): I’ve already shown that he enjoys battling when he admittedly has little experience or skill with it. I’m also thinking that he loves tacky 80’s hits like “Love is a Battlefield” and enjoys the war because he is inexperienced. As we learned from the ejaculatio praecox entry, it’s pretty clear that his partners aren’t as happy, which adds more to the explanation of why he lost his last several girlfriends.
Aegri somnia (a sick man’s dreams): Just take a look at the pictures accompanying his most recent posts and tell me if you think Brutus hasn’t gotten over his lack of access to the Roman bathhouses.
Virile agitur (the manly thing is being done): I’m sorry… just kidding! There’s nothing manly about Mr. Brutus.
Deus ex machina (god from a machine): For the dramaturgically unsophisticated among you, this term refers to an outlandish plot twist that resolves a seemingly unresolvable situation in a play, much like a god coming out of a machine from the sky to make everything okay again. And I love how cultural critics like Brutus seem to think that their writing transforms them into some sort of deus ex machina for the world’s ills. (All the world’s a stage, right?) He seems to think that cultural criticism from a little-read blog may have some impact. How insane! It’s not like he’s doing any whistleblowing or something else productive. (And I happen to be better than that. Sooner or later, my criticism will cause someone some deep emotional distress. How’s that for impact?)
Horror vacui (nature abhors a vacuum): And naturally, we abhor a vacuum of sufficient Classical content. If you’re going to go Roman, why call your blog “The Spiral Staircase?”
Here are some suggestions for names that might fit the blog better:
Nemo Saltat Sobrius (nobody dances sober): But, be sure to mention that you’re a teetotaler
Quidquid Latine Dictum Sit Altum Videtur (anything that is said in Latin sounds profound) : Let’s face it… the whole faux Roman theme Brutus has going on is a way to make his blog look more profound. This line would fit right in.
Ad Astra Per Alas Porci (To the stars on the wings of a pig): Someone important may have told Brutus that he’d become a writer when pigs fly, and now pork is going off into space. Unfortunately, the whole situation is kind of a letdown. We were expecting Porky to go airborne but the best thing we got was bacon on the space shuttle. So I guess The Spriral Staircase will have to do.
Ejaculatio Praecox: Maybe he’ll get more women if they know his weak points in advance…