What a former college instructor really thinks…

Betty Crocker’s Zombie Cookbook

I’m not entirely clear whether sex with zombies is illegal in the state I live in, so I’ll have to be very careful about what I write in this edition of Victimizing Other Bloggers.  I’m sure sex with corpses has to be legally questionable, but Zombies are able to give informed consent.  It’s a gray area.

Today, I am taking aim at A.M. Harte, who happens to be a published writer of “zombie love” stories. I think that officially makes me NOT the sickest person on WordPress.  Fortunately, Harte has also figured out that there’s a limit to how far a person can go with someone who is dead.  If you’re going to do zombie love, you’ll need a different type of love.  And here’s what she has to offer:

I think that's a phallic knife.

If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then the way for a Zombie to get to your heart is through your stomach.  And that seems to be what Harte is proposing.  In her blog, she offers up writing tips that are modeled after instructions for baking a cake.  This is a classic example of someone not being willing to give up the tricks of their trade.    Does anyone really believe that this woman spends her time baking cake?  Therefore, I would like to offer up a revised version of her writing tips so that people who want to write zombie stories will find something that is relevant to them:

—————

Writing is like frying zombie brains (and other body parts).

There are thousands of different kinds of zombies and thousands of different ways to make them tasty. But the basic ingredients remain the same: flour, sugar, eggs, butter…

So what are the basic ingredients every story should have?

Frying Zombie Hearts (and other body parts)

Ingredients:
• Plot
• Characters
• Setting
• Theme

Instructions:
1. The zombie feet are the plot of the story.
It’s the basis, the foundation — more than just a chain of tiny little bones. If they are not washed properly, they will turn your entree into a foul mess.  Although zombie feet with the traditional odor may sound tasty, you need to liven up your zombie’s flavor if you want anyone to eat them.  Chewing on zombie feet is a romantic activity that is not prohibited by law, which is an added bonus.

2. The zombie heart is the main character.
It adds flavor, but that’s not all: it adds volume and keeps your story fresh. If you slice and dice it properly, you will find that a generous amount of blood will spurt out into your entree.  That gives your dinner a nice irony taste and your story all the gratuitous violence it needs.

3. The setting is the butter.
Harte says, “It glues the characters and plot together, it provides texture and depth.”  Um… no.  The butter provides a lubricating agent that allows the zombie love to proceed smoothly.  You can never have too much butter.

4. And the zombie bile is the theme.
It’s the hidden ingredient without which everything would fall apart.  Since zombie flesh tends to fall apart during cooking and sex, you need something to hold it together.  Everyone loves scatological humor, and who doesn’t get excited to see the friendly neighborhood zombie pooping on the buffet table?

And now you are ready to publish your own exciting zombie love stories, subject to state and local laws.

—————

This has been another installment of “Victimizing Other Bloggers.”  If you would like to become a future victim, click on the “Become a Victim” picture and leave a request.  Being a victim might not be as much fun as zombie love, but few things are.

Advertisements

6 responses

  1. The laws are different here in England. We’re so liberal-minded, even zombies are allowed to find love. 🙂

    And of course I bake cake! What do you think vegetarian zombies eat, after all??

    July 25, 2011 at 1:42 am

  2. Um… I thought vegetarian zombies ate tofu brains.

    July 25, 2011 at 8:58 am

  3. Would I deny them cake? No… unless there’s a kindergartener nearby who is screaming his brains out because the mean old zombie took his dessert. But the zombies still have to eat a well-balanced meal before they can have cake. A zombie needs his protein fix.

    July 25, 2011 at 3:24 pm

  4. What if I garnished the cake with brains?

    July 26, 2011 at 7:21 am

    • That doesn’t sound very tasty…

      July 26, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s