Feminist Professors to Declare that Michele Bachmann Has a Penis
Feminists have a problem these days. For the second presidential election cycle, the Republicans have a female candidate who is poised to potentially land in the presidency or vice-presidency. Feminist professors have been telling us for years that the time has come for a female president, both as a remedy to societal injustice and because women bring a different perspective to everything they do. Unsurprisingly, that “different perspective” corresponds to support for the leftist ideas they propagate in their personal and professional lives.
And now feminist professors are stuck trying to find a way to to stop yet another conservative female candidate. Sarah Palin was an idiot, which made their job a lot easier. Bachmann doesn’t seem too bright either, but she presents a different problem. Feminists have already used the “ditz card” on Palin. Using it again on Bachmann would open them up to the same kind of criticism they’ve been leveling at men for a long time. If they try to tar Bachmann with the idiot label, they become responsible for promoting a stereotype of female politicians as intellectually less capable than their male counterparts. The feminists are desperate for a solution.
For that reason, we should all expect feminist professors to start teaching that Bachmann has a penis. If she’s a man, her failure to adhere to leftist political beliefs is explained away without the feminists having to reconsider their precious philosophical beliefs. And if Bachmann is a man, they can slander her and her intelligence as much as they want without undermining their cause. But most importantly, this publicity stunt will let them walk around saying the word “penis” over and over again like a bunch of seventh graders. (They already do it with the word “vagina” every year around Valentine’s Day.) And where there are penises, there’s an opportunity for them to proclaim the Good News of their beloved and outdated Sigmund Freud. I also suspect that we’ll be seeing some very interesting photoshopped pictures of Bachmann in the coming weeks. Let’s just hope that the feminists keep the pics tasteful and don’t do any nude ones.
On second thought, maybe that last part is a little too much to ask.
Ryan Dunn, Bam Margera, and Other Deathly Fun
This morning, I took a look at the news headlines and found that three very telling stories had made the cut. The main ideas were:
- Margera mourns the death of his friend (his sobbing is emphasized).
- Margera had predicted that Dunn would die in a car crash.
- Margera is angry at Roger Ebert’s comment.
Even with all the fluff news pieces that come out today, I’m still amazed that “Man sobs over friend’s death” is considered newsworthy. Do people really need a journalist to tell them that the guy would be mourning? “Man dances at friend’s death site” would less dopey and probably a lot more entertaining to read.
But I would like to take come creative license with these headlines. When Ebert said that friends don’t let Jackasses drink and drive, there’s a little accusation hidden at the back of the comment. If you’re letting someone drink and drive, you share the fault for what they do. Margera wasn’t with Dunn before he died and he couldn’t possibly have “let” him drink and drive that night. But what about other nights? Besides what everyone got to see on TV (which was staged), I wonder if letting Dunn drink and drive was something he ever did, or did regularly. Maybe Margera’s breakdown was worse than most people’s because of that. This must be a terrible blow to his precious self-esteem. Pay attention to Margera’s response to Ebert:
“I just lost my best friend. I have been crying hysterical for a full day.”
Yeah, it’s all about “me,” not the guy who died. “I” just lost, not “Ryan” just lost. It’s good to see that people haven’t lost their sense of what’s important. But if we’re lucky, we’ll start seeing posters on university campuses with Dunn’s photo and the caption “Friends don’t let jackasses drive drunk.”
I normally can’t stand celebrity news stories, but it’s about time DUI was prominent in the news.
The Top 10 Ways Newt Gingrich Resembles a Spoiled College Student
If you have visited my blog before, you may think I am not fond of college students. Nothing can be further from the truth. I’ll admit that college students are young, prone to doing stupid things, and can be tremendously dangerous if given a supply of weapons. As long as they don’t do any grievous harm, it’s easy to forgive them for their shortcomings. For many students, it was their parents and teachers who spoiled them. It’s not their fault.
I say this because I’m about to hurl a huge insult at these kids: I am going to compare them to Newt Gingrich. So here are the top 10 ways Newt Gingrich resembles a spoiled college student.
10: Newt Gingrich has a voracious appetite for luxury goods that are way beyond his income level.
9: When Newt Gingrich indulges in those luxury goods and runs up a sizable credit card bill, he seems to expect that someone else will pick up the tab.
8: Even when his closest confidantes abandon him, he still acts like he’s right. (I can respect a man for taking a stand, and standing for a more intellectual political debate is a good thing. But if you’re going to pay someone to impart their knowledge and advice to you, you ought to pay at least some attention to it.)
7: Newt seems to be too naive to understand that he must choose between taking an unpopular stand and winning people over. A few select people can pull this off with the help of others, it it is truly arrogant to believe you can do it on your own.
6: Newt has had embarrassing sexual exploits he’d rather not discuss.
5: Newt seems unable to recognize that he is performing beneath the level of his peers.
4: Newt went on vacation when he was supposed to be working and expected to receive a free pass.
3: Newt blamed his family’s scheduling choices when he got caught going on vacation.
2: Newt seems to forget that no one cares how smart he was 5 or 10 years ago.
1: Although he is no longer young, he is still prone to doing stupid things and could be tremendously dangerous if given a supply of weapons.
Based on this list, I think we can all see that Newt Gingrich does not have the class to stand against Barack Obama. Let us never forget: When Obama’s grandmother died right before his big test, she really did die.
Necrotic Hijinks 