What a former college instructor really thinks…

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Today’s Victim: The Search Engine

Like everyone else, I find that people use some really odd search terms to get to my blog. Instead of showcasing these like everyone else does, I’ve decided to have a little fun with them. On this post, you will find four polls. All of the questions and answers are search terms that people have found my blog with. I’ll check the results in about a week and write a post that is based on the winning answers. I reserve the right not to write the post if you pick stupid answers…

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What Cougars Like to Put in their Mouths (And What We Don’t)

Today I am writing about a blog written by someone who goes by the name M. Rae.  Fortunately, this is her bowling name… which means that we’re off to the gutter again.

M. Rae’s blog is called Peas and Cougars and the banner image shows the cougar chewing on something tasty:



That’s right, the cougar is chomping on a pea.  There are several reasons why this might be significant.  Cougars are old by definition and they need a high fiber diet to stay healthy.  But: there’s another P-word that cougars like to have between their lips… but this is a PG-rated blog and it is impolite to talk about that here.  If we talk about impolite things, the WordPress Angel of Doom will come for us.


The danger is that our cougar (M. Rae) and the catlike Angel of Doom will get friendly and make cougar babies:


Um… no.  That was a misprint.  Since no one in their right mind would want to have sex with babies, we will have to find a new use for these cougar kittens.  It was hard for me to find anything on M. Rae’s site that wasn’t sexually charged, but there was one idea that really stands out in my mind:

And that brings me back to the high fiber diet.  M. Rae is doing a great disservice to her readers by encouraging them to follow that healthy practice; it makes everything taste bad.  Those kittens would have loved to give up their lives to make a tasty entree and she’s insulting their sacrifice by cooking up “Peas and Cougars.”

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This has been another installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers.  All images were taken from Peas and Cougars, although I did have some fun messing with the picture from this post

And as a gratuitous public service announcement: don’t forget that sharing these posts and clicking on my Facebook Like Box will help future victims find this blog.  We all must work together to make sure that everybody has a chance to be victimized!  (When I run for President, that last sentence will be my campaign slogan.  I tell it like it is…)


How to Sleep With Your Professor’s Husband

Dear Students,

Two weeks ago, I wrote a memo on how to sleep with your professor’s wife.  Because there are plenty of female students among you, I am finally getting around to writing the additional set of guidelines I promised.  If you plan on pursuing extracurricular activities with your professor’s husband, please adhere to the following supplemental protocols:

1: He needs to use a condom if you might take another course from his wife.  Sooner or later, the professor is going to see your love child and notice that it looks an awful lot like her man.  This will not help your GPA.  If you are in your final semester at the university, you have nothing to worry about and can leave the condom at home.

2: You can’t bring him back to the dorm with you.  Older men look creepy (and therefore attract attention) in a women’s dorm.   You may object that there is a double standard at play: male students can bring the professor’s wife back to the dorm but the female students shouldn’t bring the professor’s husband.  You need to understand that there is a very important difference… the parents of the male students won’t refuse to pay his room and board if they learn of an older topless woman in the dorm.

3: Make sure he doesn’t bring a video camera, especially if his wife works in the drama department.  This one should explain itself.  If you’re going to be a pervert’s victim, at least have the foresight to not let your escapades become high art.  Porn pays so much better and we want you to make lot of money so you can donate generously to our annual fund.

If you obey our commands and behave responsibly, you will succeed in not ruining your academic life.   You’ll also help keep our fundraising goals intact.   Thank you very much and have a nice day.


A Do-It-Yourself Guide to Performing Breast Enhancement Surgery

You are the most brilliant person the world has ever seen and you can do anything you put your mind to.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not good enough and can’t follow your dreams.  Every dream is precious and you should not abandon your opportunity to make improvements to the world.

And to the men who are reading this blog, I know that many of you are dreaming that the woman in your life had bigger boobs.  Because today’s humanities scholars keep telling us that science is a sham, you’re now able to justify performing an expensive cosmetic procedure yourself and fulfill your deepest desire!

So let’s get started.

Step 1: Remove the patient’s clothes, but don’t get too distracted by the view.  The time for fun and games is later.

Step 2: Apply the anesthetic.  Since you are valiantly sailing the waters of independent action instead of settling for a hospital, you will need to locate an appropriate painkiller.  You’re not going to be able to find anything effective over-the-counter, so I suggest going with good old-fashioned formaldehyde.  Just make sure not to use too much or else your patient could die.  That would be bad.

Step 3: Make the first incision.  The trick is to cut deep enough to slip in the implant.  But: you have to remember not to puncture anything important.  Keep a medical diagram nearby to help you avoid the vital organs.

Step 4: Insert the implant.  Saline and silicone implants are way too common and you want your girl to be hi-tech.  So go with the silicon breast implant.  It may look like a block of shiny rock right now but it should soften up over time.

Step 5: Close up the incision.  If you can sew, you can do the stitches yourself.  Don’t say you can’t sew.  You can do anything you put your mind to.  Give it a shot.  You don’t need any training.  See?  You did a wonderful job.  Everyone should be proud of you.

Step 6: Call a lawyer.  If your patient died, you are going to need someone to explain to the jury that it wasn’t your fault.   The lawyer will understand that your need for self-expression trumps any other considerations.  If your patient survived the procedure, you should expect her to sue you and perhaps bring up criminal battery charges as a way of making her money-grabbing scheme work better.  Women can be so greedy and fickle sometimes.

Step 7: Get your immunizations up to date.  Unfortunately, the criminal justice system is not sufficiently equipped to comprehend your medical magnificence.  That means you’re going to jail and you’ll be getting a lot more sex than you ever got from that old wench.


Bring Back Crucifixion

How many times have we heard students claim that they were “crucified” by their teachers for doing poor work?  As a certified old fogey (who is less than 45 years old), I would love to demand that students stop these unfair exaggerations.   The comparison to Jesus’ killers makes teachers look bad.  And since students often think they’re God, the metaphor is easily predicted.   So… rather than embark on the impossible quest of teaching students that they are average humans, I propose that we bolster their existing self-perception.  Besides improving students’ self-esteem (the primary goal of education), it will help us keep our jobs by making the customer happy.

In this spirit, I propose that the university pass a policy that will allow professors to perform crucifixions on students.  Besides the obvious psychological benefits to the crucified student, the community will make valuable gains as well.  Let’s be honest: how often does history come alive like this for students?  It would be a great educational demonstration that students would never forget.  And: since the university likes to promote permissive sexual attitudes, having a naked student bleeding profusely in public would help tremendously in achieving that aspect of social justice.

We must liberate society from oppressive moral standards!