What a former college instructor really thinks…

Posts tagged “satire

Betty Crocker’s Zombie Cookbook

I’m not entirely clear whether sex with zombies is illegal in the state I live in, so I’ll have to be very careful about what I write in this edition of Victimizing Other Bloggers.  I’m sure sex with corpses has to be legally questionable, but Zombies are able to give informed consent.  It’s a gray area.

Today, I am taking aim at A.M. Harte, who happens to be a published writer of “zombie love” stories. I think that officially makes me NOT the sickest person on WordPress.  Fortunately, Harte has also figured out that there’s a limit to how far a person can go with someone who is dead.  If you’re going to do zombie love, you’ll need a different type of love.  And here’s what she has to offer:

I think that's a phallic knife.

If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then the way for a Zombie to get to your heart is through your stomach.  And that seems to be what Harte is proposing.  In her blog, she offers up writing tips that are modeled after instructions for baking a cake.  This is a classic example of someone not being willing to give up the tricks of their trade.    Does anyone really believe that this woman spends her time baking cake?  Therefore, I would like to offer up a revised version of her writing tips so that people who want to write zombie stories will find something that is relevant to them:

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Writing is like frying zombie brains (and other body parts).

There are thousands of different kinds of zombies and thousands of different ways to make them tasty. But the basic ingredients remain the same: flour, sugar, eggs, butter…

So what are the basic ingredients every story should have?

Frying Zombie Hearts (and other body parts)

Ingredients:
• Plot
• Characters
• Setting
• Theme

Instructions:
1. The zombie feet are the plot of the story.
It’s the basis, the foundation — more than just a chain of tiny little bones. If they are not washed properly, they will turn your entree into a foul mess.  Although zombie feet with the traditional odor may sound tasty, you need to liven up your zombie’s flavor if you want anyone to eat them.  Chewing on zombie feet is a romantic activity that is not prohibited by law, which is an added bonus.

2. The zombie heart is the main character.
It adds flavor, but that’s not all: it adds volume and keeps your story fresh. If you slice and dice it properly, you will find that a generous amount of blood will spurt out into your entree.  That gives your dinner a nice irony taste and your story all the gratuitous violence it needs.

3. The setting is the butter.
Harte says, “It glues the characters and plot together, it provides texture and depth.”  Um… no.  The butter provides a lubricating agent that allows the zombie love to proceed smoothly.  You can never have too much butter.

4. And the zombie bile is the theme.
It’s the hidden ingredient without which everything would fall apart.  Since zombie flesh tends to fall apart during cooking and sex, you need something to hold it together.  Everyone loves scatological humor, and who doesn’t get excited to see the friendly neighborhood zombie pooping on the buffet table?

And now you are ready to publish your own exciting zombie love stories, subject to state and local laws.

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This has been another installment of “Victimizing Other Bloggers.”  If you would like to become a future victim, click on the “Become a Victim” picture and leave a request.  Being a victim might not be as much fun as zombie love, but few things are.


Neurons Asunder

In this fourth installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers I will be taking on Words Asunder, who happens to be a poet.  If this is your first time visiting my blog, you should know that all victims volunteered for the honor.  You can be slaughtered too if you like (and if I choose you).
—————
reaching
the parts of your mind
with formaldehyde
that other blogs
merely
make a feint at.
 
neurons asunder
 
brains are red
and pink
and squishy
like a hog before its demise.
so what is
this?
the neurons
torn asunder from the blood vessels.
the ones that gave
life.
in their relative ephemeralness
they dance
like a dead
mosquito.
 
they lack
nuclei and
axon
terminals.
 
neurons asunder
 
and what
should I do with
incapacitated
neurons?
perhaps I shall
write
sentences
and hit
return
over and over again
and call it
a poem.
 
or
in the infinitesimal wisdom
of the
universe
I shall eat
broccoli
and excavate
my dead wife’s
brain
for my blue
imagery.
 
I think it’s the way I touched
her brain
that made it
blue and green.
she was rather
highly strung and fretful
like a guitar
and
one day I’m sure she’ll
accept
my caress
and fire a synapse for me
 

If you’d like to see what I stole from, check this out.  A few words came from other places, but that’s the big one.


How to Talk About Sex Without Being Attacked by Feminists

Blogger’s note: This is the third in my series called “Victimizing Other Bloggers.”  If you would like to be attacked in a future post, leave a message for me here.

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As I’ve written before in this blog, our nation’s colleges and universities are making sure that their students continue to be infants.  This is especially noticeable when we look at how colleges have trained people to talk about sex.  There are several important culprits here: the trumpeting of crass sexual talk by women, the denunciation of crass sexual talk by men, and an Orwellian enforcement of politically correct language among everyone.  This has made a generation or more of college graduates dysfunctional when it comes to talking about such a major part of life.

This comes through loud and clear when you read Corkscrewboo’s blog. Here’s a picture of our friend:

I get it.  She likes to screw.  She didn’t have to beat around the bush to say that.    But it seems obvious that she literally likes to beat around the bush.  Here’s another picture of her:

This is obviously her way of saying “I like to screw chicks.”  If I (a man) were to say “I like to screw chicks,” every feminist on WordPress would be telling me to show the ladies more respect.  But in today’s politically correct world, men are the only ones who have to show women respect.   But you may object: Corky didn’t come out and say that!  And you’d be right… but she’s asking chicks to tweet them so she can screw them and I’m kind of sure WordPress doesn’t condone that sort of behavior on its website.

I don’t think I would recommend that chicks let Corky screw them.  That curled metal dildo looks like it would hurt.  And judging from the flatness of her breasts in the photo, most women could probably do a lot better.  (Is that why she’s looking at nipple bras?)

Wait a minute… Corky has a penis and a flat chest.  Are we sure she isn’t a guy who is just trying to get around the oppressive social expectations that feminists have placed on men?  If she is, good for him and I hope he gets his chicks.  And so the advice I have for him is taken directly from his website:

Don’t whine.  Just drink it in.  Fill it to the brim.  Leave no cork unpopped.  Make like the grape and feel good in your skin.


How to Sleep With Your Professor’s Husband

Dear Students,

Two weeks ago, I wrote a memo on how to sleep with your professor’s wife.  Because there are plenty of female students among you, I am finally getting around to writing the additional set of guidelines I promised.  If you plan on pursuing extracurricular activities with your professor’s husband, please adhere to the following supplemental protocols:

1: He needs to use a condom if you might take another course from his wife.  Sooner or later, the professor is going to see your love child and notice that it looks an awful lot like her man.  This will not help your GPA.  If you are in your final semester at the university, you have nothing to worry about and can leave the condom at home.

2: You can’t bring him back to the dorm with you.  Older men look creepy (and therefore attract attention) in a women’s dorm.   You may object that there is a double standard at play: male students can bring the professor’s wife back to the dorm but the female students shouldn’t bring the professor’s husband.  You need to understand that there is a very important difference… the parents of the male students won’t refuse to pay his room and board if they learn of an older topless woman in the dorm.

3: Make sure he doesn’t bring a video camera, especially if his wife works in the drama department.  This one should explain itself.  If you’re going to be a pervert’s victim, at least have the foresight to not let your escapades become high art.  Porn pays so much better and we want you to make lot of money so you can donate generously to our annual fund.

If you obey our commands and behave responsibly, you will succeed in not ruining your academic life.   You’ll also help keep our fundraising goals intact.   Thank you very much and have a nice day.


Proposed Geography Course: I See London, I See France

Students in the U.S. feel insufficiently motivated to learn about foreign lands and cultures.  Unfortunately, it is not the educator’s job to force students to learn anything or even to tell them to “try it and you may like it.”  The preferred route is to motivate them to be interested in a topic.   Motivation works (occasionally) but you have to come up with something stupendous to hook potential learners.

This proposed course offers a hook that will let students see the most intimate details of foreign lands.  That’s right!  We’re going to be examining people’s underwear.  This may sound like a frivolous topic but I assure you that it is not.  If you visit Amazon.com or any of the international Amazon websites, you will find that people in foreign countries prefer different types of underwear.  Often, this underwear is much more revealing, and this provides an excellent chance to grab students’ attention.

This may also provide encouragement to students who might not otherwise consider studying abroad.  Students will have a chance to see some of the most important sights that foreign countries have to offer.  And let’s be honest: we all know that the inhabitants of many countries show everyone these sights without a second thought.  Our students will be global citizens in no time.

But the administration may object: Don’t we run the risk of having our students stay overseas forever?  Won’t that negatively impact our tuition revenues?  This objection is legitimate, but educators must always remember that our first priority is what’s best for the students.  If we’re concerned about students not wanting to come back, we can always encourage them to bring back souvenirs to share with their friends.  Then, on Diversity Day, they can all parade around campus wearing the culturally significant artifacts they discovered while abroad.  Our entire community will be celebrating diversity in no time!

That parade should be enough reason for the university to approve this course proposal.