Dear Entering Freshmen,
We at the University of Eternally Rising Tuition are looking forward to seeing you in a few short weeks. Before you arrive on campus, we encourage you to make the following preparations to ensure that you will have a most excellent start to your college career.
1. Body Hair Management: You may have been raised to believe that women should shave their body hair and men should let it grow freely. At the university, expectations are reversed. Your highly liberal professors will respect you more (and give you better grades) if you don’t follow the usual expectations for your gender. So, men: the only hair on your body should be on your head. And, women: you will be adored if you look like Sasquatch. Please remember that your college experience is all about the academics, so you really shouldn’t care if you receive funny looks or get beat up in the gym locker room (men) or can’t find a date to save your life (women). These minor inconveniences will help you relate to your professors and that’s the whole reason you’re coming here.
2. Read a book: Cliff’s Notes don’t count. At some point in your college career, you might not be permitted to coast by without doing the homework. There’s only a 40% chance of that ever happening, but why take the risk?
3. Convert to Islam: Just like your body hair management, your religion will play a huge role in whether your professors let you succeed in college. If you become a Muslim, you will instantly be the darling of all sorts of faculty members. You can convert back to your old religion when you graduate as long as you are able to avoid the occasional militant Islamist who believes that apostates should be killed. If you choose to hold on to your belief in Christianity or Judaism, may the Lord have mercy on your soul during your six or seven years in college. Exception: if you adhere to the practice of Wicca, you should be okay.
4. Buy a car and a house: By the time you’re done with college, you’ll be in so much debt that no one will ever give you a loan.
We sincerely hope you will take our advice and arrive on campus ready to impress your professors and prevent the total annihilation of your future financial lives. You’re taking out too many loans to ignore our every whim and desire.
We, the administration at the University of Tuition Collection, have been troubled to learn that our professors have been trying to brainwash you into support for their leftist political ideas. While some of you have formed organizations in an attempt to combat anti-intellectualism on campus, many of you accept everything your professors tell you without questioning it, even when there is no logic or evidence (except for “it’s politically desirable”) behind anything they say. You may be wondering why these anti-authoritarian types are being permitted to parade their authority around campus with an iron fist. Therefore, we would like to take a moment to explain a few reasons why we have allowed things to progress this far:
1: Many of your professors are paid less than cashiers at Wal-Mart, and they receive worse benefits. You may wonder why such highly educated people allow themselves to be taken advantage of like that. The reason’s very simple: we pump them up with Marxism and anti-Americanism and, voila, they can no longer stomach the idea of working in business or government. And we keep them here by fostering the belief that their research on Poststructuralist Literary Marxism is helping save the world. That’s how we get these people to stand in line for such pitiful wages and we pass the savings on to you, our dear students. (Legal disclaimer: we pass on the parts that don’t fund our salaries or the research on subjects like Poststructuralist Literary Marxism.)
2: We love receiving funds from the government and we know who our friends are: the Democrats. The Republicans, especially the Tea Partiers, wouldn’t send money our way even if we banished all the liberals from campus. How do you think we could afford to build this fabulous new student center? (Legal disclaimer: this is not bribery. We adhere to the highest standards of academic integrity. All we do is prevent any conservative troublemakers from working for us.)
3: Contrary to what you may currently believe, your interactions with university personnel will not always demand that you voice support for a leftist political agenda and social ideals. Once you graduate, we will be contacting you incessantly for financial contributions. Although lefties usually disdain large, wealthy organizations, we hope you will overlook that part of their message and give generously. (Legal disclaimer: if you donate money and require that we use the funds to support non-leftist activities, our lawyers will find a way around it.)
4: Lefties are much more likely to streak on campus than righties and we need a way to keep ourselves entertained in this small town. (Legal disclaimer: the students are all 18 or older. This is not illegal.)
So as you can see, we are doing everything in our power to ensure that you receive the best possible education at UTC. Even if your brain rots a little while you’re here, it’s a small price to pay for helping to build our great institution.
Here at the university, we pride ourselves on making sure that the focus always stays where it belongs: on YOU! You are the reason we are here and it is our job to make sure you receive all the attention you deserve. We even think it’s important to give you ideas for how to make yourself stand out in the crowd… not that you don’t already.
For that reason, we would like to issue some public words of encouragement to our students who never make use of their shower. (The dorm maintenance crew would also like to express their heartfelt gratitude.) You enter our classes with what appears to be an impressive sun tan. It makes you look hot and the professors can barely keep their hands off of you. But alas, it’s not a sun tan and it emits a fragrance that makes you the center of attention instead of the professor. That’s what student-centered education is really all about.
Those of us in the animal protection community would also like to thank you for your commitment to our cause. You show us that we should be kind to all animals, whether they’re cute like puppies or ugly like head lice. You are an inspiration to us all.
In closing, the university administration wants you, the unwashed student, to continue doing what you do best. Be proud of your hygienic accomplishments and stand tall, for eventually you will choke on your own cloud of dust.
Only the best die young.
College students are often inundated with well-meaning friends and family members who warn them about the “excessive” use of credit cards. As an instructor, I always thought students would be better off is they use credit cards as much as possible. Let me explain:
There are a lot of wonderful things in life that college students can’t enjoy without a credit card. The latest iPhone, backstage passes to see Lady Gaga, a trip to Bermuda for spring break… how many students can really afford this with the pittance Mom and Dad give them? And if you think piling on debt will have negative personal consequences, think again! According to researchers, increased debt results in higher self-esteem. ( http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2011-06/osu-wmw060611.php ) Self-esteem is a critically important goal of higher education and I, as an instructor, would have been wrong not to encourage anything that helps kids feel good about themselves.
So, my dear young ones, go out and spend all the money you want. Then go back to your dorm room and study hard because you’re going to need a good job to pay all that off. (You knew there had to be a catch, didn’t you?)
Unemployment is everywhere these days, and so are unemployed bloggers. Because there are so many of them, I would like to offer a few bits of “friendly” advice.
1: Imagine that you are looking for work in the (legal) drug industry. If you are, it might be a good idea to refrain from attacking drug companies again and again in your blog. Eventually, these companies will look up your blog and they will find that you were lying to them about how great you think their company is. HR personnel, while not known for their extraordinary intelligence, are not as dumb as you are.
2: If you must bite the hand you want to have feeding you, publish your blog under an alias and keep that alias to yourself.
3: Your blog is not a recruiting site for employers. It’s nice that you posted your resume, but it also shows that you’re not willing to protect the privacy of the former employers you are criticizing in your blog. The resume is also a useful tool for stalkers, but that’s a topic for another day.
4: If you persist on using your blog in an attempt to attract the attention of employers, please make sure you are writing quality posts. This is especially important if you seek to be a writer. If your work doesn’t rise above the quality of what everyone else is doing, you are giving potential employers a reason not to hire you. If you want to know how good your blog really is, ask someone who does not care about shattering your fragile self-esteem. If you ask, I’d be happy to
put you in your place gently suggest improvements.
5: If you harbor a profound disdain for the country you live in, keep it to yourself. Besides scaring off recruiters who are intelligent enough to appreciate their country, it’s not a very good strategy for securing government employment. And let’s be honest: who else is hiring much these days except the federal government? Oh yeah… the government can check out your blog if they do a background check, and having an alias won’t help your blog evade investigators.
6: You were never a professional studnet. You may have been a student, but not a studnet. If you’re too dumb to realize the dangers of working as a stud net, I recommend going downtown and finding yourself a nice comfortable street corner with the other prostitutes. (You may also want to avoid the aforementioned government investigators.) WordPress is a family site and there is no room here for prospective stud nets flashing their wares.
This blog is designed to put everyone’s stupidity on display, hopefully causing some psychological damage or hurt feelings. I will not name names; I assume readers can surmise what shortcomings apply to them. If you would like me to write up a post that takes aim at your blog, please make a public request under one of my posts and I’ll see what I can do to make you a victim. I always seek to please and I promise to be mediocre at best.
But I assume you did not open this page to hear me blather on about myself. I’m here to talk about you, my dear reader. Therefore, I would like to introduce my first public service announcement:
When you’re not really original, you look like an idiot!
As I searched for ideas for something to write about, I took a look at what some other people were offering up. Not having a lot of time, I only scanned a few things here and there, and I ended up focusing on the titles. Just a hint for the stupid folks out there: before giving your blog an official name, google the name. If there are already multiple blogs in the top ten results, your little play on words isn’t that smart. If Wikipedia has a disambiguation page for the name of your blog, you’re not as creative as you think you are. Instead of these old and tired names, you would be better off with a blog name like “The Arachnid Penis.” Besides being truly original, you can scare your friends with your zoological preoccupation and they won’t even be able to comment on how your blog title is meant to compensate for the size of your penis. How large can arachnid penises be, anyway?
And some of the posts I read look like the authors are trying to compensate for something. In schools these days, teachers and professors spend their time telling the kids that they are special and unique. It saddens me to see the psychological effects of this kind of upbringing. So many students are led to believe that everything they do is wonderful, a unique contribution to the world. Guess what: no it isn’t. Did you know that educators often had to coddle your self-esteem when you didn’t deserve it just to keep their jobs? And then some of you probably finished school and entered the real world only to find that no one else thought you were as special or smart as your teachers always said you were. I’ve seen it happen and it can have traumatic effects.
So now I return to the purpose of my blog and the public service announcement. I want to hurt your feelings. I want you to know how dumb you are so you can live a happy and productive life. So thank me.