I will be back to the victimizations tomorrow, but today I’d like to continue on the same topic I was on yesterday. A question I am often asked is what a former college instructor can do outside of a university setting. The other question is what on earth I would want to do outside of a university setting. The first question has an easy answer: a former college instructor (who was good at his job) has demonstrated excellence in writing, research, teaching (management), oral presentation, oral sex, and whatever skills and knowledge come with the subject the instructor taught. In theory, someone with these capabilities should be snapped up almost immediately by employers. However, as I indicated in my last post, it does not turn out that way because so many people have negative views of people with a Ph.D. Or maybe the lowly resume readers in HR were never forced to read a word with more than one syllable in it while they were in college. Same difference.
And that brings me to the second question: what I would want to do. A lot of businesses assume that a Ph.D. means that I don’t want to be working for them, that a Ph.D. would only be happy in the university. As you know about me by now, that’s not true. I’ve been amazed at how much there is outside of the university and I’ve seen quite a few things (that are legal in at least 25 states) that would make me very happy. I don’t much feel like going through a complete list, so I’ll offer up a take on my dream job… if it exists anywhere. And to get things started, I have a pretty little picture for you:
Okay, so it’s a cheap PowerPoint slide, but this picture symbolizes the kind of job I would like to have. To protect their jobs, educators spend a lot of time inflating students’ self-esteem and the kids often become arrogant and a little lazy. And then businesses hire them and have to figure out a way to make them productive. These kids need pretty little pictures if they are to pay attention to reading material and, like with the picture, they have a hard time deciphering anything that hints at their lack of unique awesomeness. It is my hope that a business will hire me as an educational deprogrammer who will
put these kids in their place explain to these kids what was done to them when they were students. Because I’ve worked in college teaching, I understand the psychological complexes that the universities are sowing in their students and I can speak with authority when I tell the kids that it’s not their fault that they need to change. (And let’s be honest: “it’s not your fault” is the only message the kids will listen to. Fortunately, it’s the truth.)
I’ve never heard of a job like this… but if your business needs help straightening out its recent hires, I would be happy to victimize them. And I even promise to be nice about it! I’ll be my usual happy-go-lucky self.
Many of my regular readers are probably familiar with three basic facts about me:
1. I have a Ph.D.
2. I am unemployed.
3. I blog anonymously.
The anonymous blogging thing may seem like a no-brainer to many of you. You probably think that a lot of my humor would turn off potential employers who are looking for someone a little less cruel, vicious, and outlandish. Of course, you’d be wrong… as usual.
Now that I have left the university, I am often confronted by people who believe that Ph.D.-holders are incapable of interacting with “normal” people or being an enjoyable colleague to have around. The education is supposed to turn you into a lifeless walking brain. Hooray for stereotypes, and all that other stuff!
But that situation is also liberating when I sit down to blog. If a company is ever able to attach my real name to this blog, what could they possibly say against me? No matter how brutal or grotesque I become around here, I will always be more wonderful on this blog than they think I’d be in the office. Despite that, I have no intention of going public with my true identity any time soon. That also means I won’t be posting any nude photos of myself; I apologize for the disappointment.
And there’s one more interesting fact to consider. After less than five weeks in existence, this blog is already inching towards Alexa’s top million websites for the past month. So… yeah. Stupid Ph.D. person can’t connect with other people. Right…
PS: If you would like me to post nude photos of you, please send them to me and I will consider putting them on my test blog. If you don’t want me to post nude photos of you, please send them to me anyway and I promise not to post them. It’s almost wonderful to live in a world where asking people for nude photos is less likely to get me in trouble than writing intellectual posts about philosophy or history. On the other hand, a world where nude photos are valued more than knowledge is a world where Sarah Palin can become president.
We’ve all heard stories about how atrocious young peoples’ writing often is these days and it can be difficult to convince then that proper grammar and spelling, not to mention coherent thought, are profoundly important. However, I’m happy to announce that I’ve discovered a true innovator on this front and I encourage you to check out her blog to take a look.
Sayali611’s blog is called “Finding 42,” which she says here is a reference to “the answer to all questions about life” from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Most blog visitors don’t visit “About” pages and many won’t recognize the literary reference, so the title might be puzzling to some. Well, it might be puzzling until they look at her thumbnail picture:
With this photo size, Sayali looks like she’s 41 and trying to find her 42nd year… and she writes well enough to pass for someone older. (She’s only 22 and she looks her real age if you open the bigger image on her blog.) And: she appears to live in a country where the legal drinking age in some regions is as high as 25. So while it had seemed odd that she would want to make herself look 20 years older, I think I see the purpose. When she goes out partying, she could be using a printed copy of her blog’s home page as ID to obtain alcohol. Judging from those sunglasses, she must have a pretty wicked hangover.
It may sound silly, but I think it’s true because Sayali shows all the signs of being a happy and serene drunk. On her “Backstage Pass” page, she has these instructions for readers:
“P.S. – Before you go, why don’t you leave a comment about your most profound encounter? Would love to know how your hearts were touched…”
And her mini bio sounds like it could have been written while under the influence:
“Spent a lifetime building a wall around myself, only to realize that what remained inside was as hideous as anything i would protect myself from. this blog is my attempt to break free, one brick at a time, and to make sense of what was yet blocked out.”
Maybe she had some weed with that vodka…?
But on a more serious note, I think Sayali could serve as an inspiration for American college students and the people who pass our nation’s drinking laws. Just imagine: tell students that they have to create a blog that displays a high level of intelligence. If they succeed, they will be permitted to use that blog as ID at a bar. Since so many kids are blogging anyway, it might be a lot easier for them than waiting for someone older to accompany them to the liquor store.
And if the female students do this, they’ll be more like Sayali in another respect… and I’ll send this one out to the men: who doesn’t love a woman who’s smart, attractive, and drunk? It’s a winning combination!
If you would like to be featured in a future installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers, you can volunteer through the “Victimhood Can be Yours” tab on the header menu.
This is the seventh installment of my “Victimizing Other Bloggers” series. If you would like to be featured in a future post, click on the “Victimhood Can Be Yours” tab at the top of the page and leave a comment.
My posts in this series have taken a turn towards grown-up themes lately and I had expected that trend to continue. And then I visited Sami116’s blog. Unfortunately, nothing about Sami’s blog inspired unclean thoughts. But that wasn’t a surprise; a blogger who uses crayons as his header image isn’t going to send anyone’s mind to the gutter. So maybe he should become a kindergarten teacher…
His “About” page shows that his presentation already fits the younger age group. Here’s what he writes:
“This blog is about things and their practicality and how they do or don’t affect our lives. This is a light hearted attempt at bringing to fore some of the not so important things in life.”
It’s inspiring, and I’ve decided that I’d like to be his first kindergarten student. Therefore: I’ve taken the liberty of drawing a few pictures about the not-so-important topics Sami teaches about so lightheartedly:
And this last one will require a little explanation…
“A truck lay on its side across the road. Massive chunks of watermelon that had been on board now lay scattered across the floor.People from all directions hurried towards the scene, each one keen on analyzing the extent of the damage done and pass their verdict. No one in particular seemed moved by what had happened . A few feet from the overturned truck a small crowd had gathered. As I encroached, the bloody sight came into my view. The truck driver lay on his back, drenched in blood. His wounds were all exposed. Massive pieces of his flesh were missing. He kept saying something in an unfamiliar language. It sounded like a prayer.
I was witness to this site when I was 11 years old.”
Even though I’m supposed to be thrashing Sami in this post, I have to admit that he’s doing an excellent job of taking unimportant topics and making them enjoyable for his crayon-wielding audience. Bravo!
Dear Entering Freshmen,
We at the University of Eternally Rising Tuition are looking forward to seeing you in a few short weeks. Before you arrive on campus, we encourage you to make the following preparations to ensure that you will have a most excellent start to your college career.
1. Body Hair Management: You may have been raised to believe that women should shave their body hair and men should let it grow freely. At the university, expectations are reversed. Your highly liberal professors will respect you more (and give you better grades) if you don’t follow the usual expectations for your gender. So, men: the only hair on your body should be on your head. And, women: you will be adored if you look like Sasquatch. Please remember that your college experience is all about the academics, so you really shouldn’t care if you receive funny looks or get beat up in the gym locker room (men) or can’t find a date to save your life (women). These minor inconveniences will help you relate to your professors and that’s the whole reason you’re coming here.
2. Read a book: Cliff’s Notes don’t count. At some point in your college career, you might not be permitted to coast by without doing the homework. There’s only a 40% chance of that ever happening, but why take the risk?
3. Convert to Islam: Just like your body hair management, your religion will play a huge role in whether your professors let you succeed in college. If you become a Muslim, you will instantly be the darling of all sorts of faculty members. You can convert back to your old religion when you graduate as long as you are able to avoid the occasional militant Islamist who believes that apostates should be killed. If you choose to hold on to your belief in Christianity or Judaism, may the Lord have mercy on your soul during your six or seven years in college. Exception: if you adhere to the practice of Wicca, you should be okay.
4. Buy a car and a house: By the time you’re done with college, you’ll be in so much debt that no one will ever give you a loan.
We sincerely hope you will take our advice and arrive on campus ready to impress your professors and prevent the total annihilation of your future financial lives. You’re taking out too many loans to ignore our every whim and desire.