Ten Sickening Ways to Bribe Your Students for Food
This one goes out to all of the teachers and professors who are doing summer school duty…
It’s the 4th of July and all of the grocery stores are closed. You had wanted to have a barbecue today but you didn’t have enough time to go shopping for food yesterday. You’ve got chips, vegetables, and dip on hand but you’re short on meat. How might you go about finding some today?
In theory, you could go outside and catch some insects or small rodents; your friends might not appreciate that, but it’s always a possibility. Otherwise, you could find some ribs and you can probably get some from your students. Each student has 24 ribs and considering the way many students treat their bodies, they won’t mind if you cause a little more damage. (Well, I suppose you should at least try to be gentle with the hacksaw…) So without further ado, here are ten ways to convince students to part with their rib cages so you can enjoy a tasty treat:
1: Remind them that they will be losing weight if they part with some ribs. (That might be enough to convince them already.) Then, offer to purchase them a new shirt this weekend.
2: Give them a couple of extra days to finish the next homework assignment. Remind them that they can have more time to complete it if the loss of blood causes a medical emergency. (Teachers have to be understanding of students’ personal needs when it comes to enforcing course policies.)
3: Offer to help them fill out an application for yet another credit card. Since so many college students have problems with basic literacy skills, this could be a godsend for them.
4: Offer to buy alcohol for anyone under 21. In other words: they can have a great party this weekend if they let you have a great party now.
5: Offer them leniency in the area of course attendance. This is especially useful if all three of their grandmothers have already died this semester.
6: Offer them a signed copy of your Facebook home page. Students love knowing about their professors’ online lives and this gift will make them feel special.
7: Offer to give them an A on their term paper if they “accidentally” bleed on it.
8: Offer to buy them porn and remind them that they might be able to reach certain body parts with their mouth if they let go of a few ribs.
9: Offer to give them a full-body shave before you start extracting ribs; some kids would go wild for this. (This really isn’t a bribe because sanitary rib removal would require at least a partial body shave. You are using sanitary methods, right?)
10: For female students: remind them that their breasts will look bigger if they don’t have ribs. Offer to buy them a fancy new bra to show off in. After all, what student hasn’t always wanted to say to her friends, “look at the bra my professor bought me?”
But you may object: are you sure that today’s students are really this reckless with their health? Yes, I am sure… but student ribs probably don’t taste very good anyway. Meat always tastes like what the animal ate and barbecue should not taste like Ramen and Oreos. Plus: you might also want to avoid consuming too many ribs if you have to pass a drug test in the near future…
Moral of the story: There’s very little a teacher can do to a student that is worse than what students already do to themselves.