What a former college instructor really thinks…

Posts tagged “professors

How to Sleep With Your Professor’s Husband

Dear Students,

Two weeks ago, I wrote a memo on how to sleep with your professor’s wife.  Because there are plenty of female students among you, I am finally getting around to writing the additional set of guidelines I promised.  If you plan on pursuing extracurricular activities with your professor’s husband, please adhere to the following supplemental protocols:

1: He needs to use a condom if you might take another course from his wife.  Sooner or later, the professor is going to see your love child and notice that it looks an awful lot like her man.  This will not help your GPA.  If you are in your final semester at the university, you have nothing to worry about and can leave the condom at home.

2: You can’t bring him back to the dorm with you.  Older men look creepy (and therefore attract attention) in a women’s dorm.   You may object that there is a double standard at play: male students can bring the professor’s wife back to the dorm but the female students shouldn’t bring the professor’s husband.  You need to understand that there is a very important difference… the parents of the male students won’t refuse to pay his room and board if they learn of an older topless woman in the dorm.

3: Make sure he doesn’t bring a video camera, especially if his wife works in the drama department.  This one should explain itself.  If you’re going to be a pervert’s victim, at least have the foresight to not let your escapades become high art.  Porn pays so much better and we want you to make lot of money so you can donate generously to our annual fund.

If you obey our commands and behave responsibly, you will succeed in not ruining your academic life.   You’ll also help keep our fundraising goals intact.   Thank you very much and have a nice day.


“Oskar Schindler was my Grandfather’s Great Uncle and That Makes Me a Special Student”

Dear Readers,

Please don’t get your hopes up.  Here at Necrotic Hijinks, we do not stoop so low as to joke about genocide.  When American college students become the victims, we will reconsider our policy.  (Legal disclaimer: we do not condone murder of any kind.)  Thank you.

Signed,

The Management

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Dear Readers,

Here at Necrotic Hijinks, we do not think it is funny that so many students have no idea who Oskar Schindler was, or that Adolf Hitler spoke German, or that the Nazis killed millions of innocent people, or that genocides continue to take place today.  Please excuse the misleading headline for this post; few students would ever claim to be related to Oskar Schindler because few colleges care enough to teach their students anything of importance.  You can’t claim to be related to someone you’ve never heard of.

Signed,

The Management

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Dear College-Age Readers,

We at Necrotic Hijinks extend our heartfelt apologies that your professors banished you from class when you informed them that Adolf Hitler spoke German.  According to most professors, Adolf Hitler speaks a funny form of English and lived on a ranch in Crawford, Texas.   That other Hitler guy is an unimportant detail to them.

Signed,

The Management

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Dear College-Age Readers,

Even though it is important to have important topics like genocide included in the curriculum, it is not appropriate for you to hold up the nude photographs of Holocaust victims as a reason to offer the course.  Even though the nude photos are what most professors will find interesting about the subject, it would be disgraceful for professors to prance in front of the classroom with the photos saying “Looky!  Looky! Looky!”  And you know they’d do it, don’t you?

Signed,

The Management

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Dear Readers,

Here at Necrotic Hijinks, we pride ourselves on historical accuracy.  Contrary to what you had thought, the man’s name was spelled O-S-K-A-R.  While we appreciate that you took your professors’ advice not to use Wikipedia as an authoritative source, please consider making use of legitimate reference materials before going ballistic over someone else’s spelling.  Thank you.

Signed,

The Management

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Dear Readers,

Despite what you may be thinking, this post was not designed to be gratuitous humor based on a tragic historical event.  You would be amazed to hear what some college faculty have to say about this period of history and its aftermath.  Many of them only care about dead people if they were killed because of their race, ethnicity, class, gender, religion, or sexual orientation… and Jewish (and Christian) genocide victims usually don’t matter unless they were critical of their religious traditions, or of capitalism.

Signed,

Lou Tafisk


The Arachnid Penis

Ever since I wrote my first post (in which I suggested “The Arachnid Penis” as a good blog title) I have been trying to come up with a way to inseminate that image into a future post.  It’s a relatively small (pun intended) and insignificant topic unless you happen to be a spider, so ideas weren’t pouring out of me.   So maybe if I take a closer look at spiders, I will come up with something to do with the penis.  (Get your mind out of the gutter.)

When we think of spiders, we usually think of their fangs and their legs.  So when you add penises in, these animals are the epitome pf phallic creatures- especially since their fangs like to jam their way into other creatures.  And so I must apologize for not having a picture to go with this post.  I understand that sexually suggestive photography is everyone’s favorite part of biology but I am not here to pander.   I am here to teach you about a serious topic that deserves your respect and undivided attention.

And at this point I am starting to sound like the average professor.  How many professors like to argue that their research interests are significant, often with the assertion that all knowledge is important, but without being able to tell you exactly why your tuition dollars should help pay for their work.  In fairness, there’s a lot of arcane research out there (especially in the STEM fields) that looks ridiculous or unimportant that may eventually prove valuable; therefore, we need to be careful about what research we attack as useless.  However, the seventeenth book on hermaphrodites in Shakespeare’s tragedies seems like a waste of money.

As Shakespeare wrote, “I have drunk, and seen the spider.”   So, too, do many professors drink and discover research pursuits that are equally small.  I’ll grant that spiders are an important part of our ecosystem… but the way many professors think, “I saw the spider” means “I saw the spider naked.”  And that means we’re talking about the insignificant arachnid penis again.

I propose that arachnid penises have no place at the university, with the possible exception of Women’s Studies departments.  If you spend enough time around Women’s Studies professors, your anatomy will soon shrink to the size of an arachnid penis.  And that helps the feminists feel good about themselves.


How to Sleep With Your Professor’s Wife

Dear students,

I am writing to you today to address a topic of grave concern.  While the university wants you to take advantage of everything we have to offer, it has come to our attention that many of you are taking advantage of your professors’ wives.  (A separate memo will be issued to students who have been sleeping with their professors’ husbands.)  Because this behavior has a major impact on our community, we would like to provide some basic guidelines:

1: Use a condom.  Your professors spend much of their time around attractive young people, contract a variety of STD’s, and then go home to their wives.  The professor’s wife is probably quite diseased by now and should not be handled without the appropriate precautions.

2: Skip class.  Your escapades will have a happier ending if the professor does not find out what you are doing.  Therefore, we recommend skipping the professor’s class and visiting his wife at that time.  Since you know he’ll be teaching, he can’t catch you in the act.  While you might think that skipping class will be detrimental to your education, please remember that your education will be worthless if the professor kills you in a fit of rage.

3: Don’t post pictures online.  We know you want to brag, but this is really inconsiderate.  We expect you to adhere to the highest moral standards at all times; therefore, please make sure that your photos remain a private matter between you, the professor’s wife, and your fraternity brothers.

4: Say “thank you.”  Always remember that the professor’s wife is providing you with a valuable educational experience, so be polite when it’s through.  It never hurts to send her flowers or candy, but don’t pay her cash.  She’s not a prostitute.

If you follow these simple recommendations, you will get the most out of your college experience without making things difficult for yourself or others.  Have a nice day!


A Public Service Announcement for Brainwashed College Students

Dear Students,

We, the administration at the University of Tuition Collection, have been troubled to learn that our professors have been trying to brainwash you into support for their leftist political ideas.  While some of you have formed organizations in an attempt to combat anti-intellectualism on campus, many of you accept everything your professors tell you without questioning it, even when there is no logic or evidence (except for “it’s politically desirable”) behind anything they say.  You may be wondering why these anti-authoritarian types are being permitted to parade their authority around campus with an iron fist.  Therefore, we would like to take a moment to explain a few reasons why we have allowed things to progress this far:

1: Many of your professors are paid less than cashiers at Wal-Mart, and they receive worse benefits.  You may wonder why such highly educated people allow themselves to be taken advantage of like that.  The reason’s very simple: we pump them up with Marxism and anti-Americanism and, voila, they can no longer stomach the idea of working in business or government.   And we keep them here by fostering the belief that their research on Poststructuralist Literary Marxism is helping save the world.  That’s how we get these people to stand in line for such pitiful wages and we pass the savings on to you, our dear students.  (Legal disclaimer: we pass on the parts that don’t fund our salaries or the research on subjects like Poststructuralist Literary Marxism.)

2: We love receiving funds from the government and we know who our friends are: the Democrats.  The Republicans, especially the Tea Partiers, wouldn’t send money our way even if we banished all the liberals from campus.  How do you think we could afford to build this fabulous new student center?  (Legal disclaimer: this is not bribery.  We adhere to the highest standards of academic integrity.  All we do is prevent any conservative troublemakers from working for us.)

3: Contrary to what you may currently believe, your interactions with university personnel will not always demand that you voice support for a leftist political agenda and social ideals.  Once you graduate, we will be contacting you incessantly for financial contributions.  Although lefties usually disdain large, wealthy organizations, we hope you will overlook that part of their message and give generously.  (Legal disclaimer: if you donate money and require that we use the funds to support non-leftist activities, our lawyers will find a way around it.)

4: Lefties are much more likely to streak on campus than righties and we need a way to keep ourselves entertained in this small town.  (Legal disclaimer: the students are all 18 or older.  This is not illegal.)

So as you can see, we are doing everything in our power to ensure that you receive the best possible education at UTC.  Even if your brain rots a little while you’re here, it’s a small price to pay for helping to build our great institution.