How to Sleep With Your Professor’s Wife
I am writing to you today to address a topic of grave concern. While the university wants you to take advantage of everything we have to offer, it has come to our attention that many of you are taking advantage of your professors’ wives. (A separate memo will be issued to students who have been sleeping with their professors’ husbands.) Because this behavior has a major impact on our community, we would like to provide some basic guidelines:
1: Use a condom. Your professors spend much of their time around attractive young people, contract a variety of STD’s, and then go home to their wives. The professor’s wife is probably quite diseased by now and should not be handled without the appropriate precautions.
2: Skip class. Your escapades will have a happier ending if the professor does not find out what you are doing. Therefore, we recommend skipping the professor’s class and visiting his wife at that time. Since you know he’ll be teaching, he can’t catch you in the act. While you might think that skipping class will be detrimental to your education, please remember that your education will be worthless if the professor kills you in a fit of rage.
3: Don’t post pictures online. We know you want to brag, but this is really inconsiderate. We expect you to adhere to the highest moral standards at all times; therefore, please make sure that your photos remain a private matter between you, the professor’s wife, and your fraternity brothers.
4: Say “thank you.” Always remember that the professor’s wife is providing you with a valuable educational experience, so be polite when it’s through. It never hurts to send her flowers or candy, but don’t pay her cash. She’s not a prostitute.
If you follow these simple recommendations, you will get the most out of your college experience without making things difficult for yourself or others. Have a nice day!