A Public Service Announcement for Brainwashed College Students
We, the administration at the University of Tuition Collection, have been troubled to learn that our professors have been trying to brainwash you into support for their leftist political ideas. While some of you have formed organizations in an attempt to combat anti-intellectualism on campus, many of you accept everything your professors tell you without questioning it, even when there is no logic or evidence (except for “it’s politically desirable”) behind anything they say. You may be wondering why these anti-authoritarian types are being permitted to parade their authority around campus with an iron fist. Therefore, we would like to take a moment to explain a few reasons why we have allowed things to progress this far:
1: Many of your professors are paid less than cashiers at Wal-Mart, and they receive worse benefits. You may wonder why such highly educated people allow themselves to be taken advantage of like that. The reason’s very simple: we pump them up with Marxism and anti-Americanism and, voila, they can no longer stomach the idea of working in business or government. And we keep them here by fostering the belief that their research on Poststructuralist Literary Marxism is helping save the world. That’s how we get these people to stand in line for such pitiful wages and we pass the savings on to you, our dear students. (Legal disclaimer: we pass on the parts that don’t fund our salaries or the research on subjects like Poststructuralist Literary Marxism.)
2: We love receiving funds from the government and we know who our friends are: the Democrats. The Republicans, especially the Tea Partiers, wouldn’t send money our way even if we banished all the liberals from campus. How do you think we could afford to build this fabulous new student center? (Legal disclaimer: this is not bribery. We adhere to the highest standards of academic integrity. All we do is prevent any conservative troublemakers from working for us.)
3: Contrary to what you may currently believe, your interactions with university personnel will not always demand that you voice support for a leftist political agenda and social ideals. Once you graduate, we will be contacting you incessantly for financial contributions. Although lefties usually disdain large, wealthy organizations, we hope you will overlook that part of their message and give generously. (Legal disclaimer: if you donate money and require that we use the funds to support non-leftist activities, our lawyers will find a way around it.)
4: Lefties are much more likely to streak on campus than righties and we need a way to keep ourselves entertained in this small town. (Legal disclaimer: the students are all 18 or older. This is not illegal.)
So as you can see, we are doing everything in our power to ensure that you receive the best possible education at UTC. Even if your brain rots a little while you’re here, it’s a small price to pay for helping to build our great institution.