A Do-It-Yourself Guide to Performing Breast Enhancement Surgery
You are the most brilliant person the world has ever seen and you can do anything you put your mind to. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not good enough and can’t follow your dreams. Every dream is precious and you should not abandon your opportunity to make improvements to the world.
And to the men who are reading this blog, I know that many of you are dreaming that the woman in your life had bigger boobs. Because today’s humanities scholars keep telling us that science is a sham, you’re now able to justify performing an expensive cosmetic procedure yourself and fulfill your deepest desire!
So let’s get started.
Step 1: Remove the patient’s clothes, but don’t get too distracted by the view. The time for fun and games is later.
Step 2: Apply the anesthetic. Since you are valiantly sailing the waters of independent action instead of settling for a hospital, you will need to locate an appropriate painkiller. You’re not going to be able to find anything effective over-the-counter, so I suggest going with good old-fashioned formaldehyde. Just make sure not to use too much or else your patient could die. That would be bad.
Step 3: Make the first incision. The trick is to cut deep enough to slip in the implant. But: you have to remember not to puncture anything important. Keep a medical diagram nearby to help you avoid the vital organs.
Step 4: Insert the implant. Saline and silicone implants are way too common and you want your girl to be hi-tech. So go with the silicon breast implant. It may look like a block of shiny rock right now but it should soften up over time.
Step 5: Close up the incision. If you can sew, you can do the stitches yourself. Don’t say you can’t sew. You can do anything you put your mind to. Give it a shot. You don’t need any training. See? You did a wonderful job. Everyone should be proud of you.
Step 6: Call a lawyer. If your patient died, you are going to need someone to explain to the jury that it wasn’t your fault. The lawyer will understand that your need for self-expression trumps any other considerations. If your patient survived the procedure, you should expect her to sue you and perhaps bring up criminal battery charges as a way of making her money-grabbing scheme work better. Women can be so greedy and fickle sometimes.
Step 7: Get your immunizations up to date. Unfortunately, the criminal justice system is not sufficiently equipped to comprehend your medical magnificence. That means you’re going to jail and you’ll be getting a lot more sex than you ever got from that old wench.
Necrotic Hijinks 