What a former college instructor really thinks…

Posts tagged “motivation

A Do-It-Yourself Guide to Performing Breast Enhancement Surgery

You are the most brilliant person the world has ever seen and you can do anything you put your mind to.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not good enough and can’t follow your dreams.  Every dream is precious and you should not abandon your opportunity to make improvements to the world.

And to the men who are reading this blog, I know that many of you are dreaming that the woman in your life had bigger boobs.  Because today’s humanities scholars keep telling us that science is a sham, you’re now able to justify performing an expensive cosmetic procedure yourself and fulfill your deepest desire!

So let’s get started.

Step 1: Remove the patient’s clothes, but don’t get too distracted by the view.  The time for fun and games is later.

Step 2: Apply the anesthetic.  Since you are valiantly sailing the waters of independent action instead of settling for a hospital, you will need to locate an appropriate painkiller.  You’re not going to be able to find anything effective over-the-counter, so I suggest going with good old-fashioned formaldehyde.  Just make sure not to use too much or else your patient could die.  That would be bad.

Step 3: Make the first incision.  The trick is to cut deep enough to slip in the implant.  But: you have to remember not to puncture anything important.  Keep a medical diagram nearby to help you avoid the vital organs.

Step 4: Insert the implant.  Saline and silicone implants are way too common and you want your girl to be hi-tech.  So go with the silicon breast implant.  It may look like a block of shiny rock right now but it should soften up over time.

Step 5: Close up the incision.  If you can sew, you can do the stitches yourself.  Don’t say you can’t sew.  You can do anything you put your mind to.  Give it a shot.  You don’t need any training.  See?  You did a wonderful job.  Everyone should be proud of you.

Step 6: Call a lawyer.  If your patient died, you are going to need someone to explain to the jury that it wasn’t your fault.   The lawyer will understand that your need for self-expression trumps any other considerations.  If your patient survived the procedure, you should expect her to sue you and perhaps bring up criminal battery charges as a way of making her money-grabbing scheme work better.  Women can be so greedy and fickle sometimes.

Step 7: Get your immunizations up to date.  Unfortunately, the criminal justice system is not sufficiently equipped to comprehend your medical magnificence.  That means you’re going to jail and you’ll be getting a lot more sex than you ever got from that old wench.

Proposed Geography Course: I See London, I See France

Students in the U.S. feel insufficiently motivated to learn about foreign lands and cultures.  Unfortunately, it is not the educator’s job to force students to learn anything or even to tell them to “try it and you may like it.”  The preferred route is to motivate them to be interested in a topic.   Motivation works (occasionally) but you have to come up with something stupendous to hook potential learners.

This proposed course offers a hook that will let students see the most intimate details of foreign lands.  That’s right!  We’re going to be examining people’s underwear.  This may sound like a frivolous topic but I assure you that it is not.  If you visit Amazon.com or any of the international Amazon websites, you will find that people in foreign countries prefer different types of underwear.  Often, this underwear is much more revealing, and this provides an excellent chance to grab students’ attention.

This may also provide encouragement to students who might not otherwise consider studying abroad.  Students will have a chance to see some of the most important sights that foreign countries have to offer.  And let’s be honest: we all know that the inhabitants of many countries show everyone these sights without a second thought.  Our students will be global citizens in no time.

But the administration may object: Don’t we run the risk of having our students stay overseas forever?  Won’t that negatively impact our tuition revenues?  This objection is legitimate, but educators must always remember that our first priority is what’s best for the students.  If we’re concerned about students not wanting to come back, we can always encourage them to bring back souvenirs to share with their friends.  Then, on Diversity Day, they can all parade around campus wearing the culturally significant artifacts they discovered while abroad.  Our entire community will be celebrating diversity in no time!

That parade should be enough reason for the university to approve this course proposal.