What a former college instructor really thinks…

Posts tagged “students

How to Sleep With Your Professor’s Wife

Dear students,

I am writing to you today to address a topic of grave concern.  While the university wants you to take advantage of everything we have to offer, it has come to our attention that many of you are taking advantage of your professors’ wives.  (A separate memo will be issued to students who have been sleeping with their professors’ husbands.)  Because this behavior has a major impact on our community, we would like to provide some basic guidelines:

1: Use a condom.  Your professors spend much of their time around attractive young people, contract a variety of STD’s, and then go home to their wives.  The professor’s wife is probably quite diseased by now and should not be handled without the appropriate precautions.

2: Skip class.  Your escapades will have a happier ending if the professor does not find out what you are doing.  Therefore, we recommend skipping the professor’s class and visiting his wife at that time.  Since you know he’ll be teaching, he can’t catch you in the act.  While you might think that skipping class will be detrimental to your education, please remember that your education will be worthless if the professor kills you in a fit of rage.

3: Don’t post pictures online.  We know you want to brag, but this is really inconsiderate.  We expect you to adhere to the highest moral standards at all times; therefore, please make sure that your photos remain a private matter between you, the professor’s wife, and your fraternity brothers.

4: Say “thank you.”  Always remember that the professor’s wife is providing you with a valuable educational experience, so be polite when it’s through.  It never hurts to send her flowers or candy, but don’t pay her cash.  She’s not a prostitute.

If you follow these simple recommendations, you will get the most out of your college experience without making things difficult for yourself or others.  Have a nice day!

A Public Service Announcement for Brainwashed College Students

Dear Students,

We, the administration at the University of Tuition Collection, have been troubled to learn that our professors have been trying to brainwash you into support for their leftist political ideas.  While some of you have formed organizations in an attempt to combat anti-intellectualism on campus, many of you accept everything your professors tell you without questioning it, even when there is no logic or evidence (except for “it’s politically desirable”) behind anything they say.  You may be wondering why these anti-authoritarian types are being permitted to parade their authority around campus with an iron fist.  Therefore, we would like to take a moment to explain a few reasons why we have allowed things to progress this far:

1: Many of your professors are paid less than cashiers at Wal-Mart, and they receive worse benefits.  You may wonder why such highly educated people allow themselves to be taken advantage of like that.  The reason’s very simple: we pump them up with Marxism and anti-Americanism and, voila, they can no longer stomach the idea of working in business or government.   And we keep them here by fostering the belief that their research on Poststructuralist Literary Marxism is helping save the world.  That’s how we get these people to stand in line for such pitiful wages and we pass the savings on to you, our dear students.  (Legal disclaimer: we pass on the parts that don’t fund our salaries or the research on subjects like Poststructuralist Literary Marxism.)

2: We love receiving funds from the government and we know who our friends are: the Democrats.  The Republicans, especially the Tea Partiers, wouldn’t send money our way even if we banished all the liberals from campus.  How do you think we could afford to build this fabulous new student center?  (Legal disclaimer: this is not bribery.  We adhere to the highest standards of academic integrity.  All we do is prevent any conservative troublemakers from working for us.)

3: Contrary to what you may currently believe, your interactions with university personnel will not always demand that you voice support for a leftist political agenda and social ideals.  Once you graduate, we will be contacting you incessantly for financial contributions.  Although lefties usually disdain large, wealthy organizations, we hope you will overlook that part of their message and give generously.  (Legal disclaimer: if you donate money and require that we use the funds to support non-leftist activities, our lawyers will find a way around it.)

4: Lefties are much more likely to streak on campus than righties and we need a way to keep ourselves entertained in this small town.  (Legal disclaimer: the students are all 18 or older.  This is not illegal.)

So as you can see, we are doing everything in our power to ensure that you receive the best possible education at UTC.  Even if your brain rots a little while you’re here, it’s a small price to pay for helping to build our great institution.

A Public Service Announcement for Students who don’t Bathe

Dear Students,

Here at the university, we pride ourselves on making sure that the focus always stays where it belongs: on YOU!  You are the reason we are here and it is our job to make sure you receive all the attention you deserve.   We even think it’s important to give you ideas for how to make yourself stand out in the crowd… not that you don’t already.

For that reason, we would like to issue some public words of encouragement to our students who never make use of their shower.  (The dorm maintenance crew would also like to express their heartfelt gratitude.)  You enter our classes with what appears to be an impressive sun tan.  It makes you look hot and the professors can barely keep their hands off of you.  But alas, it’s not a sun tan and it emits a fragrance that makes you the center of attention instead of the professor.  That’s what student-centered education is really all about.

Those of us in the animal protection community would also like to thank you for your commitment to our cause.  You show us that we should be kind to all animals, whether they’re cute like puppies or ugly like head lice.  You are an inspiration to us all.

In closing, the university administration wants you, the unwashed student, to continue doing what you do best.  Be proud of your hygienic accomplishments and stand tall, for eventually you will choke on your own cloud of dust.

Only the best die young.

You’re Pretty When You Weep

I see you walking towards my desk with your mascara already starting to run.  It was a difficult night with the homework, I know, and you want to have a little “chat” with me.  At least this is an improvement over the whining and yelling I’ve seen from you already…

And so you proceed to explain that the problem set was just so impossible and it took you a whole hour to get through the first half.  And it made your life last night so difficult because you had swimming practice for two hours and there just wasn’t enough time to get everything done.  Your mascara is history by now, but you don’t seem to care.  And neither do I.

You’re pretty when you weep.

And so I calmly remind you that the problem set had been assigned a week earlier, and you suddenly stop crying.  It’s such a shame because you’re not as adorable when you’re angry.  I remain emotionless and ask what prevented you from doing the problem set earlier in the week.  I guess you realized that you had lost control of your charade because your eyes conveniently start welling up again.  I never did get an answer to my question, but your tears make my heart sing.

And so I do what any responsible teacher would do: I offer to make an appointment with you to review the material so the second half will be easier.  You finally realize that your little act isn’t working and you just sigh and say “yeah.”  I don’t know if you’ll really show up for any appointment we make, but you’ve figured out that I’m not going to let you get out of the assignment.  And so you give up and walk away.  You finally realize that I’m not stupid, or maybe you just think I’m too stupid to realize how dumb the problem set is.

And then I almost start to feel bad for you.  Almost.  I was a little tough on you as you were crying in front of me.  Have I become too jaded to be a compassionate presence for my student?  But by now you are walking out and you close the door behind you.  In the hall, your friend is waiting and you forget that there is a nice large window I can look through.  The door closes and I can see your facial expression shift immediately as you say to your friend, “It didn’t work.”

You’re pretty when you weep because it’s the only time you look human.

Fun with Credit Cards: A Public Service Announcement for College Freshmen

College students are often inundated with well-meaning friends and family members who warn them about the “excessive” use of credit cards.  As an instructor, I always thought students would be better off is they use credit cards as much as possible.  Let me explain:


There are a lot of wonderful things in life that college students can’t enjoy without a credit card.  The latest iPhone, backstage passes to see Lady Gaga, a trip to Bermuda for spring break… how many students can really afford this with the pittance Mom and Dad give them?   And if you think piling on debt will have negative personal consequences, think again!  According to researchers, increased debt results in higher self-esteem.  ( http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2011-06/osu-wmw060611.php ) Self-esteem is a critically important goal of higher education and I, as an instructor, would have been wrong not to encourage anything that helps kids feel good about themselves.


So, my dear young ones, go out and spend all the money you want.  Then go back to your dorm room and study hard because you’re going to need a good job to pay all that off.  (You knew there had to be a catch, didn’t you?)