Did you take out piles of loans while you were a student? Did you spend your college years drinking and having sex and doing everything but developing your skills and knowledge? And did you emerge into this horrible economy with no job and no obvious way to make money? Things may look bleak, but cheer up. There is a way for you to get out of the situation you are in. Although your college failed to give you the skills employers want and you refused to learn much of anything, there is hope. All that time you spent with beer and prostitutes can now pay off because you can sell your STD’s.
But you may object: isn’t prostitution illegal? Of course prostitution is illegal, but you won’t be engaging in prostitution. You will be going into business selling things that other businesses are able to sell. Have you ever ordered crabs at Red Lobster? Good! Then you know the a few things about marketing your product. (Surely you noticed that the shellfish at Red Lobster seemed to taste a little odd…) However, you must always remember one critical difference between you and Red Lobster: you must always offer free delivery. If you charge for shipping and handling, you have become a prostitute.
And you will finally have a job that matches the passions you explored in college. As if that weren’t good enough, there’s an added bonus: you still won’t have to use those inconvenient little condoms that you avoided so religiously in college. That means your operating expenses would be nearly nothing. It’s a great career opportunity to help you ride out the Recession, so what are you waiting for?
Disclaimer: Necrotic Hijinks Inc. cannot be held responsible if your genitals fall off after a couple of years. We also cannot guarantee that your eventual child support payments will come out to less than what you earn.
You were my student four years ago when you were in your first semester of college. You despised me and made sure that hatred was known, but you also thought I was madly in love with you. Or maybe it was lust you thought I harbored. No matter.
Through some miracle, we made it through the semester and went our separate ways; somehow, I never was able to forget about you. And I know you never forgot about me. It’s a sad fact of life that teachers remain psychologically connected to the students who created the biggest problems, not the ones who were exceptionally good. But we are not just connected through our memories of one another; we are connected through our mutual intellectualism. You like to proclaim your braininess as loudly as you can, and I can never be too far away to hear you brag. Seriously… you brag that loudly. That’s what makes you so precious and lovable.
But I can also see your pain. Your student loans are dragging you down and your boasting has become muted by people asking you how someone so smart got so far in the financial hole. In the meantime, your mind has created an idealized vision of your college experience and you have grown to love me, the teacher you once abhorred. Or: you love my teaching, but probably not me. I sure hope you don’t love me; you’re not my type. (However, please send nude photos my way if you get a chance.)
You have to love me now because it’s all you have left. College is over for you and no one has to treat you like you’re special any longer. And you have to justify to yourself why you spent so much money for a fancy school. So while I used to be annoyed by you, I now pity you. This love letter is not to the student I once taught, but to the one who will someday have grown up. And you are growing up… finally. Sooner or later, you will be someone I might enjoy sharing a coffee with, but it is saddening to know that you won’t be 25 or 30 until that happens. College has kept you and your classmates as infants for too long. I really don’t enjoy sleeping with infants.
And I do hope you decide to share that coffee with me sometime. Pour it over my grave if it takes you that long to grow up; I’d prefer the coffee to the saliva you wished for once upon a time.
May our love continue to blossom!
In the current economy, we all probably know a few college graduates who took out behemoth student loans and have not been able to find employment to pay them back. (Getting the humor yet?) Some of these folks had no choice; they may come from families that could not afford to contribute financially to their college educations. These aren’t the people I want to mock.
There is another group of college graduates who are deep in debt. Some students just couldn’t resist the allure of an expensive college and had to have it. (The humor is on its way, I promise.) I’m not here to make fun of stupid financial decisions; 18-year-olds are, by nature, prone to make the occasional mistake. But let’s take a look at what happens during four years of college… and I don’t mean beer.
At a lot of private colleges, students end up spending over $200.00 per class hour (even after adjusting for contributions to the college’s administrative and facilities costs). And there are a few precious lines that professors often hear from these students. My personal favorite is “I’m paying $40,000 a year to come here, so I deserve an A.” I’m not joking; students really say this. But as a former college instructor, I pine for the days when students would openly wish for class to be canceled or for a movie to be shown. Really. I wish I could assemble a group of people, charge them $200.00 per hour, and do nothing more than show them a movie or tell them to go home. For what they’re getting out of that education, the kids could just as easily subscribe to Netflix and save a load of money. The only problem with Netflix is that it does not give students a sense of accomplishment. However, Netflix does offer material that students will stay awake for.
Of course, students embark on this debt because they think the expensive college will give them something that the reputable State University will not, and sometimes they are right. The diploma might have some use when trying to impress potential employers, but then how many people sneer at folks who graduated from places like Harvard? And for the honor of holding that diploma and the bump it gives to their precious self-esteem, kids are shelling out the down payment for a house and becoming financially disadvantaged for many years after graduating. And then they start drinking…