What a former college instructor really thinks…

Posts tagged “poetry

Are You Ready for a Ditty Battle?

Warning: do not visit the victim’s blog until the game is over.

Meet Prettierthanpink.  She is in her 30’s or 40’s and calls herself an “old girl.”  Her blog is full of girly thoughts.  And here’s what she chose as her gravatar:

It is now time for Prettierinpink to defend her honor as an Old Girl.  So here’s the game: there are seven ditties in this post and Prettierinpink wrote three of them.  I wrote the other four.  Visitors who have never been to her blog will have to guess which three were written by her.  (No cheating!)  Her work had better be unique because I’m sure it would be embarrassing if a straight male nerd like me could out-girl the Old Girl, even just once.  It would be like a sumo wrestler losing a match to Barack Obama.  And the great thing is that Prettierinpink loses if anyone gets a single answer wrong!

Here we go…

I’m safe and warm within your erection,

then hand and eye make a connection,

turmoil ensues, no time to peruse,

soft, wet and warm, a time for reflection,

and also time for tissue detection…

My fantasies are not detestable,

I dreamt last night, of Bieber’s testicles,

one day, the boy of seventeen,

will know that I should be his queen,

although I look like Paula Deen…

Madam Whiplash, slave on tether,

high heeled thigh boots, patent leather,

whip in hand, she makes her stand,

Master Thomas, “do you need a hand?”

bratty subbie bows her head

bratty subbie hears words to dread,

bratty subbie looks up in fright,

Madam Whiplash “she’s yours all night”

Scissors, glue, and vaseline,

can make any woman clean,

for it has been my secret art,

to craft my way into your heart,

now draw upon my expert care,

and glide into my hairless lair

The hands of time are deathly cruel,

they chant that I can be a fool,

they said I strayed into the shade,

and did the things that they forbade,

then Baby Daddy set me free,

until he finished his degree,

and when our eyes again did meet,

he was living on the street,

I took him in, I gave him care,

it was my fault that he was there…

I felt a glow inside my heart,

when you said “I won’t depart”,

when you said you’d stay with me,

and rub my feet as I decree,

and start my bubble bath and tea,

and love me even when I fart,

that, my love, was a good start

I think that every womans wish is,

to find a man to do the dishes,

a man who likes to be the “housework whore,”

who really relishes a dirty floor,

with gusto he’ll do it all unseen,

the man who loves to keep your house clean…

—————

Here are the correct answers: Correct Answer and Correct Answer and Correct AnswerWhich ones did you think were real?  Share your guesses in the comments section.


This has been another episode of “Victimizing Other Bloggers.”  If you want to volunteer, you can do so by clicking on the “Victimhood Can Be Yours” tab at the top of the page.”  And remember to help control the pet population.  Have your pets spayed or neutered.


Neurons Asunder

In this fourth installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers I will be taking on Words Asunder, who happens to be a poet.  If this is your first time visiting my blog, you should know that all victims volunteered for the honor.  You can be slaughtered too if you like (and if I choose you).
—————
reaching
the parts of your mind
with formaldehyde
that other blogs
merely
make a feint at.
 
neurons asunder
 
brains are red
and pink
and squishy
like a hog before its demise.
so what is
this?
the neurons
torn asunder from the blood vessels.
the ones that gave
life.
in their relative ephemeralness
they dance
like a dead
mosquito.
 
they lack
nuclei and
axon
terminals.
 
neurons asunder
 
and what
should I do with
incapacitated
neurons?
perhaps I shall
write
sentences
and hit
return
over and over again
and call it
a poem.
 
or
in the infinitesimal wisdom
of the
universe
I shall eat
broccoli
and excavate
my dead wife’s
brain
for my blue
imagery.
 
I think it’s the way I touched
her brain
that made it
blue and green.
she was rather
highly strung and fretful
like a guitar
and
one day I’m sure she’ll
accept
my caress
and fire a synapse for me
 

If you’d like to see what I stole from, check this out.  A few words came from other places, but that’s the big one.