What a former college instructor really thinks…

Posts tagged “humor

New Game at Necrotic Hijinks

Hello regular readers (and whoever else is reading this).

I have started a new contest on this blog.  I took a picture and photoshopped it until it became an inkblot.  I’m giving people one week to guess what it is.  If no one gets it right by then, I’ll choose the most entertaining responses and let people vote on a winner.

Here’s the link:


You can also get there through the “Inkblot 3000 Game” tab in the header menu.

What Cougars Like to Put in their Mouths (And What We Don’t)

Today I am writing about a blog written by someone who goes by the name M. Rae.  Fortunately, this is her bowling name… which means that we’re off to the gutter again.

M. Rae’s blog is called Peas and Cougars and the banner image shows the cougar chewing on something tasty:

That’s right, the cougar is chomping on a pea.  There are several reasons why this might be significant.  Cougars are old by definition and they need a high fiber diet to stay healthy.  But: there’s another P-word that cougars like to have between their lips… but this is a PG-rated blog and it is impolite to talk about that here.  If we talk about impolite things, the WordPress Angel of Doom will come for us.

The danger is that our cougar (M. Rae) and the catlike Angel of Doom will get friendly and make cougar babies:

Um… no.  That was a misprint.  Since no one in their right mind would want to have sex with babies, we will have to find a new use for these cougar kittens.  It was hard for me to find anything on M. Rae’s site that wasn’t sexually charged, but there was one idea that really stands out in my mind:

And that brings me back to the high fiber diet.  M. Rae is doing a great disservice to her readers by encouraging them to follow that healthy practice; it makes everything taste bad.  Those kittens would have loved to give up their lives to make a tasty entree and she’s insulting their sacrifice by cooking up “Peas and Cougars.”


This has been another installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers.  All images were taken from Peas and Cougars, although I did have some fun messing with the picture from this post

And as a gratuitous public service announcement: don’t forget that sharing these posts and clicking on my Facebook Like Box will help future victims find this blog.  We all must work together to make sure that everybody has a chance to be victimized!  (When I run for President, that last sentence will be my campaign slogan.  I tell it like it is…)

What Kind of Evil Lurks in the Heart of Miss Independant?

Today I will be slashing and burning Miss Independant’s blog.  Miss Independant is obviously an independent thinker because she spells her name with an A instead of an E.  A lot of fifth graders spell her name that way too, so she’s sure to become very popular.  After all, agreeing with 90% of fifth graders is the best way to showcase your personal independence.

But you need to understand that Miss Independant is a real badass.  Just look at that gravatar:

It sends shivers down my spine!  And I bet her writing will have the same effect on me.   It’s easy to tell because she names a lot of her blog posts after song titles and the playlist kicks ass.  Here are a few examples of the music that has inspired her; I’m sure you’ll figure out pretty quickly that this isn’t someone you’d want to bump into alone in a dark alley:

Careless Whisper: Okay, okay.  I won’t do any cheap jokes about being alone with George Michael in a dark alley.  But even though there was a halfway decent remake of this song by Seether, it’s still a pretty lame choice for someone who bills herself as independent.  If I’m not mistaken, the song is about a guy who is not able to go on after a relationship failed.   Hmmmm…..

I Will Survive: At least Miss Independant got the topic right on this one.  But: it is still a standard choice for anyone claiming independence (and I’m still refusing to make cheap jokes about George Michael), meaning that Miss Independant was not displaying independence of thought with this choice.  This selection made me want to exercise my independence of bowels.

Against All Odds: I’m not sure that Phil Collins ever recorded a song that would belong on a playlist for independent people.  I mean really, look at these mopey lyrics:

So take a look at me now,
‘cos there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face

Do I see a theme here?  On second thought, Miss Independant’s blavatar has no face either, so maybe she’s going for a theme of people who bathe in hydrochloric acid.

Bad Moon Rising: In theory, this is a good choice.  Just look at the lyrics:

I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightning.
I see bad times today.

Don’t go ’round tonight
it’s bound to take your life,
there’s a bad moon on the rise.

I hear hurricanes a-blowing,
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin…

Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.

In reality, this song is by Creedence Clearwater Revival and it had lost any badass quality long before Missy says she was born.  Maybe it might strike fear into the hearts of men if it were written by the artist who recorded the next song on the list:

Me, Myself and I: Or maybe not.  Beyonce may be scary, but not in the way Missy needs her to be.

So what can we conclude from all of this?  Because I’d like to assume the best from Miss Independant, I am guessing that she’s an 80-year-old woman who is trying to stay “hip.”  (She says she’s 22, but that seems doubtful.)  She gets credit for being independent because a lot of people her age won’t touch a computer and she’s obviously independent enough to operate a keyboard.   And because she’s so old, she’s not current enough with the music world to know how bad some of her choices were.  Despite that, it is always good to see older people remaining active and trying new things.  Miss Independant deserves credit for that.

Or maybe Miss Independant is really the guy who George Michael made those careless whispers about…


This has been another installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers.  No animals or elderly ladies were harmed during the production of this post.  Neither was George Michael.  If you would like to join the ranks of the victimized, click on the “Victimhood Can Be Yours” tab at the top of the page.

Are You Ready for a Ditty Battle?

Warning: do not visit the victim’s blog until the game is over.

Meet Prettierthanpink.  She is in her 30’s or 40’s and calls herself an “old girl.”  Her blog is full of girly thoughts.  And here’s what she chose as her gravatar:

It is now time for Prettierinpink to defend her honor as an Old Girl.  So here’s the game: there are seven ditties in this post and Prettierinpink wrote three of them.  I wrote the other four.  Visitors who have never been to her blog will have to guess which three were written by her.  (No cheating!)  Her work had better be unique because I’m sure it would be embarrassing if a straight male nerd like me could out-girl the Old Girl, even just once.  It would be like a sumo wrestler losing a match to Barack Obama.  And the great thing is that Prettierinpink loses if anyone gets a single answer wrong!

Here we go…

I’m safe and warm within your erection,

then hand and eye make a connection,

turmoil ensues, no time to peruse,

soft, wet and warm, a time for reflection,

and also time for tissue detection…

My fantasies are not detestable,

I dreamt last night, of Bieber’s testicles,

one day, the boy of seventeen,

will know that I should be his queen,

although I look like Paula Deen…

Madam Whiplash, slave on tether,

high heeled thigh boots, patent leather,

whip in hand, she makes her stand,

Master Thomas, “do you need a hand?”

bratty subbie bows her head

bratty subbie hears words to dread,

bratty subbie looks up in fright,

Madam Whiplash “she’s yours all night”

Scissors, glue, and vaseline,

can make any woman clean,

for it has been my secret art,

to craft my way into your heart,

now draw upon my expert care,

and glide into my hairless lair

The hands of time are deathly cruel,

they chant that I can be a fool,

they said I strayed into the shade,

and did the things that they forbade,

then Baby Daddy set me free,

until he finished his degree,

and when our eyes again did meet,

he was living on the street,

I took him in, I gave him care,

it was my fault that he was there…

I felt a glow inside my heart,

when you said “I won’t depart”,

when you said you’d stay with me,

and rub my feet as I decree,

and start my bubble bath and tea,

and love me even when I fart,

that, my love, was a good start

I think that every womans wish is,

to find a man to do the dishes,

a man who likes to be the “housework whore,”

who really relishes a dirty floor,

with gusto he’ll do it all unseen,

the man who loves to keep your house clean…


Here are the correct answers: Correct Answer and Correct Answer and Correct AnswerWhich ones did you think were real?  Share your guesses in the comments section.

This has been another episode of “Victimizing Other Bloggers.”  If you want to volunteer, you can do so by clicking on the “Victimhood Can Be Yours” tab at the top of the page.”  And remember to help control the pet population.  Have your pets spayed or neutered.

Blogging for Booze

We’ve all heard stories about how atrocious young peoples’ writing often is these days and it can be difficult to convince then that proper grammar and spelling, not to mention coherent thought, are profoundly important.  However, I’m happy to announce that I’ve discovered a true innovator on this front and I encourage you to check out her blog to take a look.

Sayali611’s blog is called “Finding 42,” which she says here is a reference to “the answer to all questions about life” from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.  Most blog visitors don’t visit “About” pages and many won’t recognize the literary reference, so the title might be puzzling to some.  Well, it might be puzzling until they look at her thumbnail picture:

This is how Sayali's photo appears on her blog.

With this photo size, Sayali looks like she’s 41 and trying to find her 42nd year… and she writes well enough to pass for someone older.  (She’s only 22 and she looks her real age if you open the bigger image on her blog.)  And: she appears to live in a country where the legal drinking age in some regions is as high as 25.  So while it had seemed odd that she would want to make herself look 20 years older, I think I see the purpose.  When she goes out partying, she could be using a printed copy of her blog’s home page as ID to obtain alcohol.  Judging from those sunglasses, she must have a pretty wicked hangover.

It may sound silly, but I think it’s true because Sayali shows all the signs of being a happy and serene drunk.  On her “Backstage Pass” page, she has these instructions for readers:

“P.S. – Before you go, why don’t you leave a comment about your most profound encounter? Would love to know how your hearts were touched…”

And her mini bio sounds like it could have been written while under the influence:

“Spent a lifetime building a wall around myself, only to realize that what remained inside was as hideous as anything i would protect myself from. this blog is my attempt to break free, one brick at a time, and to make sense of what was yet blocked out.

Maybe she had some weed with that vodka…?

But on a more serious note, I think Sayali could serve as an inspiration for American college students and the people who pass our nation’s drinking laws.  Just imagine: tell students that they have to create a blog that displays a high level of intelligence.  If they succeed, they will be permitted to use that blog as ID at a bar.  Since so many kids are blogging anyway, it might be a lot easier for them than waiting for someone older to accompany them to the liquor store.

And if the female students do this, they’ll be more like Sayali in another respect… and I’ll send this one out to the men: who doesn’t love a woman who’s smart, attractive, and drunk?  It’s a winning combination!


If you would like to be featured in a future installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers, you can volunteer through the “Victimhood Can be Yours” tab on the header menu.