Dear Entering Freshmen,
We at the University of Eternally Rising Tuition are looking forward to seeing you in a few short weeks. Before you arrive on campus, we encourage you to make the following preparations to ensure that you will have a most excellent start to your college career.
1. Body Hair Management: You may have been raised to believe that women should shave their body hair and men should let it grow freely. At the university, expectations are reversed. Your highly liberal professors will respect you more (and give you better grades) if you don’t follow the usual expectations for your gender. So, men: the only hair on your body should be on your head. And, women: you will be adored if you look like Sasquatch. Please remember that your college experience is all about the academics, so you really shouldn’t care if you receive funny looks or get beat up in the gym locker room (men) or can’t find a date to save your life (women). These minor inconveniences will help you relate to your professors and that’s the whole reason you’re coming here.
2. Read a book: Cliff’s Notes don’t count. At some point in your college career, you might not be permitted to coast by without doing the homework. There’s only a 40% chance of that ever happening, but why take the risk?
3. Convert to Islam: Just like your body hair management, your religion will play a huge role in whether your professors let you succeed in college. If you become a Muslim, you will instantly be the darling of all sorts of faculty members. You can convert back to your old religion when you graduate as long as you are able to avoid the occasional militant Islamist who believes that apostates should be killed. If you choose to hold on to your belief in Christianity or Judaism, may the Lord have mercy on your soul during your six or seven years in college. Exception: if you adhere to the practice of Wicca, you should be okay.
4. Buy a car and a house: By the time you’re done with college, you’ll be in so much debt that no one will ever give you a loan.
We sincerely hope you will take our advice and arrive on campus ready to impress your professors and prevent the total annihilation of your future financial lives. You’re taking out too many loans to ignore our every whim and desire.
College students are often inundated with well-meaning friends and family members who warn them about the “excessive” use of credit cards. As an instructor, I always thought students would be better off is they use credit cards as much as possible. Let me explain:
There are a lot of wonderful things in life that college students can’t enjoy without a credit card. The latest iPhone, backstage passes to see Lady Gaga, a trip to Bermuda for spring break… how many students can really afford this with the pittance Mom and Dad give them? And if you think piling on debt will have negative personal consequences, think again! According to researchers, increased debt results in higher self-esteem. ( http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2011-06/osu-wmw060611.php ) Self-esteem is a critically important goal of higher education and I, as an instructor, would have been wrong not to encourage anything that helps kids feel good about themselves.
So, my dear young ones, go out and spend all the money you want. Then go back to your dorm room and study hard because you’re going to need a good job to pay all that off. (You knew there had to be a catch, didn’t you?)