At long last, it is finally Brutus’ turn to be victimized. He runs a blog that need not be named and uses a blavatar that comes from Roman sculpture. When he signed up to be featured here, he contemplated whether he could inspire much “bile.” And on his blog, he ran an article on me before he had anything to fight back against. Since he seems rather dopey, I’ll battle him on his terms and use his own language against him. That’s right! It’s time to discuss a few of my favorite Latin phrases:
Ejaculatio praecox (premature ejaculation): Brutus’ inability to keep stuff from flowing before the action starts shows that he obviously suffers from this. It might also explain why he lost his last several girlfriends.
Dulce bellum inexpertis (war is sweet to the inexperienced): I’ve already shown that he enjoys battling when he admittedly has little experience or skill with it. I’m also thinking that he loves tacky 80’s hits like “Love is a Battlefield” and enjoys the war because he is inexperienced. As we learned from the ejaculatio praecox entry, it’s pretty clear that his partners aren’t as happy, which adds more to the explanation of why he lost his last several girlfriends.
Aegri somnia (a sick man’s dreams): Just take a look at the pictures accompanying his most recent posts and tell me if you think Brutus hasn’t gotten over his lack of access to the Roman bathhouses.
Virile agitur (the manly thing is being done): I’m sorry… just kidding! There’s nothing manly about Mr. Brutus.
Deus ex machina (god from a machine): For the dramaturgically unsophisticated among you, this term refers to an outlandish plot twist that resolves a seemingly unresolvable situation in a play, much like a god coming out of a machine from the sky to make everything okay again. And I love how cultural critics like Brutus seem to think that their writing transforms them into some sort of deus ex machina for the world’s ills. (All the world’s a stage, right?) He seems to think that cultural criticism from a little-read blog may have some impact. How insane! It’s not like he’s doing any whistleblowing or something else productive. (And I happen to be better than that. Sooner or later, my criticism will cause someone some deep emotional distress. How’s that for impact?)
Horror vacui (nature abhors a vacuum): And naturally, we abhor a vacuum of sufficient Classical content. If you’re going to go Roman, why call your blog “The Spiral Staircase?”
Here are some suggestions for names that might fit the blog better:
Nemo Saltat Sobrius (nobody dances sober): But, be sure to mention that you’re a teetotaler
Quidquid Latine Dictum Sit Altum Videtur (anything that is said in Latin sounds profound) : Let’s face it… the whole faux Roman theme Brutus has going on is a way to make his blog look more profound. This line would fit right in.
Ad Astra Per Alas Porci (To the stars on the wings of a pig): Someone important may have told Brutus that he’d become a writer when pigs fly, and now pork is going off into space. Unfortunately, the whole situation is kind of a letdown. We were expecting Porky to go airborne but the best thing we got was bacon on the space shuttle. So I guess The Spriral Staircase will have to do.
Ejaculatio Praecox: Maybe he’ll get more women if they know his weak points in advance…
Ladies and Gentleman, I am humbled to announce that I have a celebrity victim today. Please welcome Adam Richman to Victimizing Other Bloggers!
Oh… wait. That’s not Adam Richman? Darn. It sure looked like him.
Despite that huge disappointment, we do have an exciting victim who happens to be an Adam Richman lookalike. His name is Josh Sterner and he hates working in retail. He gives a lot of reasons (and visits the topic elsewhere on his blog) but a lot of these probably apply to people in other lines of work as well. Before he complains about these things again, I’d like to ask him a few hard-hitting questions about his job:
1: Are you required to transport old, moldy meat and produce out of the store. I did not see that on your list and that worries me. I’ve seen the occasional green loaf of bread and fuzzy sirloin on the shelves but it worries me that your employer is not forcing you to do these unpleasant tasks. By not complaining about your employer making you do this, you are opening your paycheck-giver to litigation and that would be bad for your professional future.
2: Does your store rent out those fancy vacuum cleaners? When you’re stuck doing a night shift with no customers around, have you ever tried giving your dog a bath with one of those things?
3: Have you ever tried giving a coworker a bath with one of those things?
4: Did you start dating that coworker soon after that night?
5: How many crushed insects can the customer expect to find in the average loaf of bread?
6: How many crushed insects can the customer expect not to notice in the average loaf of bread?
7: Why did your store stop carrying my favorite product?
8: Why do you always get 500 people asking you that question AFTER the product is discontinued when there were only 20 people who ever bought it in the first place?
9: Is there anything in that yellow frosting other than sugar and water? Or: do you have less nauseating ways to release your stress?
10: Do you realize that you named your employer in an earlier post?
Awwww. How precious! A cute little 16-year-old girl wants to be a victim. That’s just so sweet! And because I’m such a generous person, I am going to humor her.
So let’s look at some of the things she wants to do this summer:
Get a tan
With British weather? Good luck…
Complete a 5k run without dying
It’s easier than she thinks, so this isn’t very ambitious. If she does a little every day, her total will eventually come out to 5k.
Meet some new people
Go shopping and say hi to the cashier. That counts.
Have a proper picnic
Bring on those wild and crazy times!
See someone famous
They’re on TV all the time. What’s the problem?
May I recommend a stick figure? It’s easy to do and she’d get it right on her first try.
The dawning of the Age of Aquarius is a long time past.
Revamp some old clothing
I hope “revamp” doesn’t mean “tear it enough to make me look like a prostitute” She’s too young.
But she’s missing the most important item of all: Don’t get pregnant. Her most recent blog post is called “Why sensible kids don’t get pregnant at 16” but she’s not striving to do what the sensible kids do. Children really shouldn’t be allowed to reveal how insensible they are online. Her parents should be watching over her internet activity more closely. Maybe they could take her on a proper picnic. That might keep her out of trouble. And then they can build a dollhouse together; that sounds like a nice, healthy new hobby… and she’s looking for one of those too. But no Ken dolls for our little victim; even though I doubt he’s anatomically correct, the little lady could get some bad ideas into her head by taking off his clothes.
Or her parents could just buy her a chastity belt. That ought to keep her from becoming pregnant…
When potential victims volunteer to be featured on my blog, they sometimes tell me how wonderful they are. I get little gems like “my professors always seemed to like me” or “I’m boring” or “you can’t make fun of me because I have inoperable brain cancer” and so on and so forth.
And then there are the honest people like Tilly Bud, a.k.a. the Laughing Housewife. If you visit her blog, you’ll find that she puts herself out on the table for everyone to see:
I am a little fat. I like food; what can I say? I have dull hair: mousey. I don’t wear much make-up and have no need of a dressing table. If I look like a bag lady, I chose my own clothes. If I look nice, the Hub picked them for me.
And look at the photo of herself she put in her header:
And she keeps a less conspicuous photo of herself on her “About” page, where she also has pictures of her kids and permissive husband. She puts up a good facade, but there are cracks. (It’s always the modest, quiet people who are the sickest.) This is the same woman who has a post called “I Know What You Did Last Night. You Disgusting Creature” and it’s moments like that where she shows her true colors.
That’s right, my friends, we have our first dominatrix here at Necrotic Hijinks! It’s odd to meet a dominatrix who wants to get her butt whipped (usually it’s the other way around) so she may not be very good at sex work. There’s something about the whole “housewife by day, BDSM queen at night” that’s a little questionable. How exactly does she punish her children? Is it legal to spank your children in Great Britain?
With what he has learned from his mother, I bet her teenage son is quite popular with the ladies.
And take another look at her header photo. Imagine a dominatrix who makes faces like that when she’s punishing you. Is she reacting to the stench because you forgot to clean your naughty bits beforehand? Are those glasses supposed to make her slave feel like he has a small penis? And shouldn’t she think about sharpening those teeth so she can inflict some additional pain? Those canines look a little too flat.
And just imagine a dominatrix laughing that way at you as you strip down. I bet it’s not an evil laugh. It’s probably a giggle and snort like you’d expect from the female reincarnation of Steve Urkel. But then again, there are a lot of sickos out there who would go for something like that… and Tilly Bud would know. Therefore, I have to give her a lot of credit for her intelligent marketing tactics. (And: I expect to receive 33% of the extra profits she receives for her “services” from people who discovered her through my blog.)