When potential victims volunteer to be featured on my blog, they sometimes tell me how wonderful they are. I get little gems like “my professors always seemed to like me” or “I’m boring” or “you can’t make fun of me because I have inoperable brain cancer” and so on and so forth.
And then there are the honest people like Tilly Bud, a.k.a. the Laughing Housewife. If you visit her blog, you’ll find that she puts herself out on the table for everyone to see:
I am a little fat. I like food; what can I say? I have dull hair: mousey. I don’t wear much make-up and have no need of a dressing table. If I look like a bag lady, I chose my own clothes. If I look nice, the Hub picked them for me.
And look at the photo of herself she put in her header:
And she keeps a less conspicuous photo of herself on her “About” page, where she also has pictures of her kids and permissive husband. She puts up a good facade, but there are cracks. (It’s always the modest, quiet people who are the sickest.) This is the same woman who has a post called “I Know What You Did Last Night. You Disgusting Creature” and it’s moments like that where she shows her true colors.
That’s right, my friends, we have our first dominatrix here at Necrotic Hijinks! It’s odd to meet a dominatrix who wants to get her butt whipped (usually it’s the other way around) so she may not be very good at sex work. There’s something about the whole “housewife by day, BDSM queen at night” that’s a little questionable. How exactly does she punish her children? Is it legal to spank your children in Great Britain?
With what he has learned from his mother, I bet her teenage son is quite popular with the ladies.
And take another look at her header photo. Imagine a dominatrix who makes faces like that when she’s punishing you. Is she reacting to the stench because you forgot to clean your naughty bits beforehand? Are those glasses supposed to make her slave feel like he has a small penis? And shouldn’t she think about sharpening those teeth so she can inflict some additional pain? Those canines look a little too flat.
And just imagine a dominatrix laughing that way at you as you strip down. I bet it’s not an evil laugh. It’s probably a giggle and snort like you’d expect from the female reincarnation of Steve Urkel. But then again, there are a lot of sickos out there who would go for something like that… and Tilly Bud would know. Therefore, I have to give her a lot of credit for her intelligent marketing tactics. (And: I expect to receive 33% of the extra profits she receives for her “services” from people who discovered her through my blog.)
I’m not entirely clear whether sex with zombies is illegal in the state I live in, so I’ll have to be very careful about what I write in this edition of Victimizing Other Bloggers. I’m sure sex with corpses has to be legally questionable, but Zombies are able to give informed consent. It’s a gray area.
Today, I am taking aim at A.M. Harte, who happens to be a published writer of “zombie love” stories. I think that officially makes me NOT the sickest person on WordPress. Fortunately, Harte has also figured out that there’s a limit to how far a person can go with someone who is dead. If you’re going to do zombie love, you’ll need a different type of love. And here’s what she has to offer:
If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then the way for a Zombie to get to your heart is through your stomach. And that seems to be what Harte is proposing. In her blog, she offers up writing tips that are modeled after instructions for baking a cake. This is a classic example of someone not being willing to give up the tricks of their trade. Does anyone really believe that this woman spends her time baking cake? Therefore, I would like to offer up a revised version of her writing tips so that people who want to write zombie stories will find something that is relevant to them:
Writing is like frying zombie brains (and other body parts).
There are thousands of different kinds of zombies and thousands of different ways to make them tasty. But the basic ingredients remain the same: flour, sugar, eggs, butter…
So what are the basic ingredients every story should have?
Frying Zombie Hearts (and other body parts)
1. The zombie feet are the plot of the story.
It’s the basis, the foundation — more than just a chain of tiny little bones. If they are not washed properly, they will turn your entree into a foul mess. Although zombie feet with the traditional odor may sound tasty, you need to liven up your zombie’s flavor if you want anyone to eat them. Chewing on zombie feet is a romantic activity that is not prohibited by law, which is an added bonus.
2. The zombie heart is the main character.
It adds flavor, but that’s not all: it adds volume and keeps your story fresh. If you slice and dice it properly, you will find that a generous amount of blood will spurt out into your entree. That gives your dinner a nice irony taste and your story all the gratuitous violence it needs.
3. The setting is the butter.
Harte says, “It glues the characters and plot together, it provides texture and depth.” Um… no. The butter provides a lubricating agent that allows the zombie love to proceed smoothly. You can never have too much butter.
4. And the zombie bile is the theme.
It’s the hidden ingredient without which everything would fall apart. Since zombie flesh tends to fall apart during cooking and sex, you need something to hold it together. Everyone loves scatological humor, and who doesn’t get excited to see the friendly neighborhood zombie pooping on the buffet table?
And now you are ready to publish your own exciting zombie love stories, subject to state and local laws.
This has been another installment of “Victimizing Other Bloggers.” If you would like to become a future victim, click on the “Become a Victim” picture and leave a request. Being a victim might not be as much fun as zombie love, but few things are.
In this installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers, I have decided to go into business with today’s victim, who also happens to be unemployed. This is a very exciting opportunity for both of us and we hope you will invest generously.
My business partner is Sandylikeabeach, and together we have discovered the secret to eternal youth and beauty. Just take a look at this picture:
VA-VA-VA-VOOM! And she’s FIFTY!!!! Sandy’s friends get excited when her boobs come flying out of her clothes, too. That’s something you should aspire to.
And you could have it if you purchase our product. Since we believe in simplicity, we are calling it “Sand.” You can rub Sand all over your body and it eliminates all of those pesky wrinkles in a flash. Sand is cheaper than Oil of Olay and it’s not subject to liquid restrictions that the TSA has placed on airline passengers. (Caveat: we still cannot guarantee that the security guards will allow you to take this on a plane.)
But wait, there’s more! For all of you creationists out there, this is a great way to hinder evolution. Sandy says her soul is still evolving, which doesn’t conflict with your religion because she’s not saying anything that could be wrongly interpreted as evidence against the existence of a Higher Power. You’re more concerned about biological evolution and Sandy has you covered there. By preventing wrinkles, Sand keeps your skin from evolving. Sandy has shown her dedication to the cause of Static Skin Biology by refusing to be tattooed. This is a valiant statement in favor of your theological cause. She also doesn’t do threesomes with the married men she flirts with on Craigslist, which means that our product contributes to the promotion of healthy family values.
I can’t say it often enough: Sand is good for the skin and good for the soul.
Today I am writing about a blog written by someone who goes by the name M. Rae. Fortunately, this is her bowling name… which means that we’re off to the gutter again.
M. Rae’s blog is called Peas and Cougars and the banner image shows the cougar chewing on something tasty:
That’s right, the cougar is chomping on a pea. There are several reasons why this might be significant. Cougars are old by definition and they need a high fiber diet to stay healthy. But: there’s another P-word that cougars like to have between their lips… but this is a PG-rated blog and it is impolite to talk about that here. If we talk about impolite things, the WordPress Angel of Doom will come for us.
The danger is that our cougar (M. Rae) and the catlike Angel of Doom will get friendly and make cougar babies:
Um… no. That was a misprint. Since no one in their right mind would want to have sex with babies, we will have to find a new use for these cougar kittens. It was hard for me to find anything on M. Rae’s site that wasn’t sexually charged, but there was one idea that really stands out in my mind:
And that brings me back to the high fiber diet. M. Rae is doing a great disservice to her readers by encouraging them to follow that healthy practice; it makes everything taste bad. Those kittens would have loved to give up their lives to make a tasty entree and she’s insulting their sacrifice by cooking up “Peas and Cougars.”
This has been another installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers. All images were taken from Peas and Cougars, although I did have some fun messing with the picture from this post.
And as a gratuitous public service announcement: don’t forget that sharing these posts and clicking on my Facebook Like Box will help future victims find this blog. We all must work together to make sure that everybody has a chance to be victimized! (When I run for President, that last sentence will be my campaign slogan. I tell it like it is…)
Today I will be slashing and burning Miss Independant’s blog. Miss Independant is obviously an independent thinker because she spells her name with an A instead of an E. A lot of fifth graders spell her name that way too, so she’s sure to become very popular. After all, agreeing with 90% of fifth graders is the best way to showcase your personal independence.
But you need to understand that Miss Independant is a real badass. Just look at that gravatar:
It sends shivers down my spine! And I bet her writing will have the same effect on me. It’s easy to tell because she names a lot of her blog posts after song titles and the playlist kicks ass. Here are a few examples of the music that has inspired her; I’m sure you’ll figure out pretty quickly that this isn’t someone you’d want to bump into alone in a dark alley:
Careless Whisper: Okay, okay. I won’t do any cheap jokes about being alone with George Michael in a dark alley. But even though there was a halfway decent remake of this song by Seether, it’s still a pretty lame choice for someone who bills herself as independent. If I’m not mistaken, the song is about a guy who is not able to go on after a relationship failed. Hmmmm…..
I Will Survive: At least Miss Independant got the topic right on this one. But: it is still a standard choice for anyone claiming independence (and I’m still refusing to make cheap jokes about George Michael), meaning that Miss Independant was not displaying independence of thought with this choice. This selection made me want to exercise my independence of bowels.
Against All Odds: I’m not sure that Phil Collins ever recorded a song that would belong on a playlist for independent people. I mean really, look at these mopey lyrics:
So take a look at me now,
‘cos there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Do I see a theme here? On second thought, Miss Independant’s blavatar has no face either, so maybe she’s going for a theme of people who bathe in hydrochloric acid.
Bad Moon Rising: In theory, this is a good choice. Just look at the lyrics:
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightning.
I see bad times today.
Don’t go ’round tonight
it’s bound to take your life,
there’s a bad moon on the rise.
I hear hurricanes a-blowing,
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin…
Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
In reality, this song is by Creedence Clearwater Revival and it had lost any badass quality long before Missy says she was born. Maybe it might strike fear into the hearts of men if it were written by the artist who recorded the next song on the list:
Me, Myself and I: Or maybe not. Beyonce may be scary, but not in the way Missy needs her to be.
So what can we conclude from all of this? Because I’d like to assume the best from Miss Independant, I am guessing that she’s an 80-year-old woman who is trying to stay “hip.” (She says she’s 22, but that seems doubtful.) She gets credit for being independent because a lot of people her age won’t touch a computer and she’s obviously independent enough to operate a keyboard. And because she’s so old, she’s not current enough with the music world to know how bad some of her choices were. Despite that, it is always good to see older people remaining active and trying new things. Miss Independant deserves credit for that.
Or maybe Miss Independant is really the guy who George Michael made those careless whispers about…
This has been another installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers. No animals or elderly ladies were harmed during the production of this post. Neither was George Michael. If you would like to join the ranks of the victimized, click on the “Victimhood Can Be Yours” tab at the top of the page.