When potential victims volunteer to be featured on my blog, they sometimes tell me how wonderful they are. I get little gems like “my professors always seemed to like me” or “I’m boring” or “you can’t make fun of me because I have inoperable brain cancer” and so on and so forth.
And then there are the honest people like Tilly Bud, a.k.a. the Laughing Housewife. If you visit her blog, you’ll find that she puts herself out on the table for everyone to see:
I am a little fat. I like food; what can I say? I have dull hair: mousey. I don’t wear much make-up and have no need of a dressing table. If I look like a bag lady, I chose my own clothes. If I look nice, the Hub picked them for me.
And look at the photo of herself she put in her header:
And she keeps a less conspicuous photo of herself on her “About” page, where she also has pictures of her kids and permissive husband. She puts up a good facade, but there are cracks. (It’s always the modest, quiet people who are the sickest.) This is the same woman who has a post called “I Know What You Did Last Night. You Disgusting Creature” and it’s moments like that where she shows her true colors.
That’s right, my friends, we have our first dominatrix here at Necrotic Hijinks! It’s odd to meet a dominatrix who wants to get her butt whipped (usually it’s the other way around) so she may not be very good at sex work. There’s something about the whole “housewife by day, BDSM queen at night” that’s a little questionable. How exactly does she punish her children? Is it legal to spank your children in Great Britain?
With what he has learned from his mother, I bet her teenage son is quite popular with the ladies.
And take another look at her header photo. Imagine a dominatrix who makes faces like that when she’s punishing you. Is she reacting to the stench because you forgot to clean your naughty bits beforehand? Are those glasses supposed to make her slave feel like he has a small penis? And shouldn’t she think about sharpening those teeth so she can inflict some additional pain? Those canines look a little too flat.
And just imagine a dominatrix laughing that way at you as you strip down. I bet it’s not an evil laugh. It’s probably a giggle and snort like you’d expect from the female reincarnation of Steve Urkel. But then again, there are a lot of sickos out there who would go for something like that… and Tilly Bud would know. Therefore, I have to give her a lot of credit for her intelligent marketing tactics. (And: I expect to receive 33% of the extra profits she receives for her “services” from people who discovered her through my blog.)
I’m not entirely clear whether sex with zombies is illegal in the state I live in, so I’ll have to be very careful about what I write in this edition of Victimizing Other Bloggers. I’m sure sex with corpses has to be legally questionable, but Zombies are able to give informed consent. It’s a gray area.
Today, I am taking aim at A.M. Harte, who happens to be a published writer of “zombie love” stories. I think that officially makes me NOT the sickest person on WordPress. Fortunately, Harte has also figured out that there’s a limit to how far a person can go with someone who is dead. If you’re going to do zombie love, you’ll need a different type of love. And here’s what she has to offer:
If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then the way for a Zombie to get to your heart is through your stomach. And that seems to be what Harte is proposing. In her blog, she offers up writing tips that are modeled after instructions for baking a cake. This is a classic example of someone not being willing to give up the tricks of their trade. Does anyone really believe that this woman spends her time baking cake? Therefore, I would like to offer up a revised version of her writing tips so that people who want to write zombie stories will find something that is relevant to them:
Writing is like frying zombie brains (and other body parts).
There are thousands of different kinds of zombies and thousands of different ways to make them tasty. But the basic ingredients remain the same: flour, sugar, eggs, butter…
So what are the basic ingredients every story should have?
Frying Zombie Hearts (and other body parts)
1. The zombie feet are the plot of the story.
It’s the basis, the foundation — more than just a chain of tiny little bones. If they are not washed properly, they will turn your entree into a foul mess. Although zombie feet with the traditional odor may sound tasty, you need to liven up your zombie’s flavor if you want anyone to eat them. Chewing on zombie feet is a romantic activity that is not prohibited by law, which is an added bonus.
2. The zombie heart is the main character.
It adds flavor, but that’s not all: it adds volume and keeps your story fresh. If you slice and dice it properly, you will find that a generous amount of blood will spurt out into your entree. That gives your dinner a nice irony taste and your story all the gratuitous violence it needs.
3. The setting is the butter.
Harte says, “It glues the characters and plot together, it provides texture and depth.” Um… no. The butter provides a lubricating agent that allows the zombie love to proceed smoothly. You can never have too much butter.
4. And the zombie bile is the theme.
It’s the hidden ingredient without which everything would fall apart. Since zombie flesh tends to fall apart during cooking and sex, you need something to hold it together. Everyone loves scatological humor, and who doesn’t get excited to see the friendly neighborhood zombie pooping on the buffet table?
And now you are ready to publish your own exciting zombie love stories, subject to state and local laws.
This has been another installment of “Victimizing Other Bloggers.” If you would like to become a future victim, click on the “Become a Victim” picture and leave a request. Being a victim might not be as much fun as zombie love, but few things are.
In this installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers, I have decided to go into business with today’s victim, who also happens to be unemployed. This is a very exciting opportunity for both of us and we hope you will invest generously.
My business partner is Sandylikeabeach, and together we have discovered the secret to eternal youth and beauty. Just take a look at this picture:
VA-VA-VA-VOOM! And she’s FIFTY!!!! Sandy’s friends get excited when her boobs come flying out of her clothes, too. That’s something you should aspire to.
And you could have it if you purchase our product. Since we believe in simplicity, we are calling it “Sand.” You can rub Sand all over your body and it eliminates all of those pesky wrinkles in a flash. Sand is cheaper than Oil of Olay and it’s not subject to liquid restrictions that the TSA has placed on airline passengers. (Caveat: we still cannot guarantee that the security guards will allow you to take this on a plane.)
But wait, there’s more! For all of you creationists out there, this is a great way to hinder evolution. Sandy says her soul is still evolving, which doesn’t conflict with your religion because she’s not saying anything that could be wrongly interpreted as evidence against the existence of a Higher Power. You’re more concerned about biological evolution and Sandy has you covered there. By preventing wrinkles, Sand keeps your skin from evolving. Sandy has shown her dedication to the cause of Static Skin Biology by refusing to be tattooed. This is a valiant statement in favor of your theological cause. She also doesn’t do threesomes with the married men she flirts with on Craigslist, which means that our product contributes to the promotion of healthy family values.
I can’t say it often enough: Sand is good for the skin and good for the soul.
I will be back to the victimizations tomorrow, but today I’d like to continue on the same topic I was on yesterday. A question I am often asked is what a former college instructor can do outside of a university setting. The other question is what on earth I would want to do outside of a university setting. The first question has an easy answer: a former college instructor (who was good at his job) has demonstrated excellence in writing, research, teaching (management), oral presentation, oral sex, and whatever skills and knowledge come with the subject the instructor taught. In theory, someone with these capabilities should be snapped up almost immediately by employers. However, as I indicated in my last post, it does not turn out that way because so many people have negative views of people with a Ph.D. Or maybe the lowly resume readers in HR were never forced to read a word with more than one syllable in it while they were in college. Same difference.
And that brings me to the second question: what I would want to do. A lot of businesses assume that a Ph.D. means that I don’t want to be working for them, that a Ph.D. would only be happy in the university. As you know about me by now, that’s not true. I’ve been amazed at how much there is outside of the university and I’ve seen quite a few things (that are legal in at least 25 states) that would make me very happy. I don’t much feel like going through a complete list, so I’ll offer up a take on my dream job… if it exists anywhere. And to get things started, I have a pretty little picture for you:
Okay, so it’s a cheap PowerPoint slide, but this picture symbolizes the kind of job I would like to have. To protect their jobs, educators spend a lot of time inflating students’ self-esteem and the kids often become arrogant and a little lazy. And then businesses hire them and have to figure out a way to make them productive. These kids need pretty little pictures if they are to pay attention to reading material and, like with the picture, they have a hard time deciphering anything that hints at their lack of unique awesomeness. It is my hope that a business will hire me as an educational deprogrammer who will
put these kids in their place explain to these kids what was done to them when they were students. Because I’ve worked in college teaching, I understand the psychological complexes that the universities are sowing in their students and I can speak with authority when I tell the kids that it’s not their fault that they need to change. (And let’s be honest: “it’s not your fault” is the only message the kids will listen to. Fortunately, it’s the truth.)
I’ve never heard of a job like this… but if your business needs help straightening out its recent hires, I would be happy to victimize them. And I even promise to be nice about it! I’ll be my usual happy-go-lucky self.
Many of my regular readers are probably familiar with three basic facts about me:
1. I have a Ph.D.
2. I am unemployed.
3. I blog anonymously.
The anonymous blogging thing may seem like a no-brainer to many of you. You probably think that a lot of my humor would turn off potential employers who are looking for someone a little less cruel, vicious, and outlandish. Of course, you’d be wrong… as usual.
Now that I have left the university, I am often confronted by people who believe that Ph.D.-holders are incapable of interacting with “normal” people or being an enjoyable colleague to have around. The education is supposed to turn you into a lifeless walking brain. Hooray for stereotypes, and all that other stuff!
But that situation is also liberating when I sit down to blog. If a company is ever able to attach my real name to this blog, what could they possibly say against me? No matter how brutal or grotesque I become around here, I will always be more wonderful on this blog than they think I’d be in the office. Despite that, I have no intention of going public with my true identity any time soon. That also means I won’t be posting any nude photos of myself; I apologize for the disappointment.
And there’s one more interesting fact to consider. After less than five weeks in existence, this blog is already inching towards Alexa’s top million websites for the past month. So… yeah. Stupid Ph.D. person can’t connect with other people. Right…
PS: If you would like me to post nude photos of you, please send them to me and I will consider putting them on my test blog. If you don’t want me to post nude photos of you, please send them to me anyway and I promise not to post them. It’s almost wonderful to live in a world where asking people for nude photos is less likely to get me in trouble than writing intellectual posts about philosophy or history. On the other hand, a world where nude photos are valued more than knowledge is a world where Sarah Palin can become president.