What Kind of Evil Lurks in the Heart of Miss Independant?
Today I will be slashing and burning Miss Independant’s blog. Miss Independant is obviously an independent thinker because she spells her name with an A instead of an E. A lot of fifth graders spell her name that way too, so she’s sure to become very popular. After all, agreeing with 90% of fifth graders is the best way to showcase your personal independence.
But you need to understand that Miss Independant is a real badass. Just look at that gravatar:
It sends shivers down my spine! And I bet her writing will have the same effect on me. It’s easy to tell because she names a lot of her blog posts after song titles and the playlist kicks ass. Here are a few examples of the music that has inspired her; I’m sure you’ll figure out pretty quickly that this isn’t someone you’d want to bump into alone in a dark alley:
Careless Whisper: Okay, okay. I won’t do any cheap jokes about being alone with George Michael in a dark alley. But even though there was a halfway decent remake of this song by Seether, it’s still a pretty lame choice for someone who bills herself as independent. If I’m not mistaken, the song is about a guy who is not able to go on after a relationship failed. Hmmmm…..
I Will Survive: At least Miss Independant got the topic right on this one. But: it is still a standard choice for anyone claiming independence (and I’m still refusing to make cheap jokes about George Michael), meaning that Miss Independant was not displaying independence of thought with this choice. This selection made me want to exercise my independence of bowels.
Against All Odds: I’m not sure that Phil Collins ever recorded a song that would belong on a playlist for independent people. I mean really, look at these mopey lyrics:
So take a look at me now,
‘cos there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Do I see a theme here? On second thought, Miss Independant’s blavatar has no face either, so maybe she’s going for a theme of people who bathe in hydrochloric acid.
Bad Moon Rising: In theory, this is a good choice. Just look at the lyrics:
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightning.
I see bad times today.
Don’t go ’round tonight
it’s bound to take your life,
there’s a bad moon on the rise.
I hear hurricanes a-blowing,
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin…
Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
In reality, this song is by Creedence Clearwater Revival and it had lost any badass quality long before Missy says she was born. Maybe it might strike fear into the hearts of men if it were written by the artist who recorded the next song on the list:
Me, Myself and I: Or maybe not. Beyonce may be scary, but not in the way Missy needs her to be.
So what can we conclude from all of this? Because I’d like to assume the best from Miss Independant, I am guessing that she’s an 80-year-old woman who is trying to stay “hip.” (She says she’s 22, but that seems doubtful.) She gets credit for being independent because a lot of people her age won’t touch a computer and she’s obviously independent enough to operate a keyboard. And because she’s so old, she’s not current enough with the music world to know how bad some of her choices were. Despite that, it is always good to see older people remaining active and trying new things. Miss Independant deserves credit for that.
Or maybe Miss Independant is really the guy who George Michael made those careless whispers about…
This has been another installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers. No animals or elderly ladies were harmed during the production of this post. Neither was George Michael. If you would like to join the ranks of the victimized, click on the “Victimhood Can Be Yours” tab at the top of the page.