A Public Service Announcement for Kids Who Are Leaving for College
Dear Entering Freshmen,
We at the University of Eternally Rising Tuition are looking forward to seeing you in a few short weeks. Before you arrive on campus, we encourage you to make the following preparations to ensure that you will have a most excellent start to your college career.
1. Body Hair Management: You may have been raised to believe that women should shave their body hair and men should let it grow freely. At the university, expectations are reversed. Your highly liberal professors will respect you more (and give you better grades) if you don’t follow the usual expectations for your gender. So, men: the only hair on your body should be on your head. And, women: you will be adored if you look like Sasquatch. Please remember that your college experience is all about the academics, so you really shouldn’t care if you receive funny looks or get beat up in the gym locker room (men) or can’t find a date to save your life (women). These minor inconveniences will help you relate to your professors and that’s the whole reason you’re coming here.
2. Read a book: Cliff’s Notes don’t count. At some point in your college career, you might not be permitted to coast by without doing the homework. There’s only a 40% chance of that ever happening, but why take the risk?
3. Convert to Islam: Just like your body hair management, your religion will play a huge role in whether your professors let you succeed in college. If you become a Muslim, you will instantly be the darling of all sorts of faculty members. You can convert back to your old religion when you graduate as long as you are able to avoid the occasional militant Islamist who believes that apostates should be killed. If you choose to hold on to your belief in Christianity or Judaism, may the Lord have mercy on your soul during your six or seven years in college. Exception: if you adhere to the practice of Wicca, you should be okay.
4. Buy a car and a house: By the time you’re done with college, you’ll be in so much debt that no one will ever give you a loan.
We sincerely hope you will take our advice and arrive on campus ready to impress your professors and prevent the total annihilation of your future financial lives. You’re taking out too many loans to ignore our every whim and desire.
Necrotic Hijinks 
Have some questions…
1. How will converting to Islam make me the darling of the faculty??? 2. Do I win points if I m already a Muslim???
3. How, where and which college do I sign up, for this prestigious privilege???
July 17, 2011 at 5:12 am
Have some answers…
1. Converting to Islam would make you a member of a preferred minority group. In some sense, it is a fusion of identity politics and leftist views on Middle East politics.
2. Yes!
3. Look for colleges that do not have a strong conservative or non-Muslim religious affiliation. Some colleges with official religious affiliations (like Duke) will still love you for being Muslim.
And a bonus 4th answer
4. College faculty often model religious intolerance against Jews and Christians. Their students sometimes pick up on this intolerance and adapt it to intolerance against Muslims. If you want classmates who value religious freedom for all faiths, look for a college with faculty that values religious freedom for all faiths.
July 17, 2011 at 12:19 pm
Freaking hilarious 😀 I can’t really come to terms that you’re a former college instructor, maybe I’m being juvenile in thinking that professors don’t have much of a life.
July 17, 2011 at 7:09 am
Professors often don’t have lives, but for reasons that differ from what you might expect. I, on the other hand, am a FORMER instructor. So I get to have a life…
July 17, 2011 at 12:21 pm
Oh! Thanx for answering my questions. I had no idea about this. It was indeed an eye-opener. Most Muslims are under the misconception that we are the most hated ppl at present. It was nyc to hear v r the chosen ppl, so to speak, in colleges. I will most definitely pass on ur wisdom. Thanx once again…
July 17, 2011 at 2:17 pm
Islam, huh? And here the “Religious Right” has been crying about how higher education is making their children into atheists. You’ve given them something new to be scared of, thank you.
July 22, 2011 at 3:26 pm