A Public Service Announcement for Students who don’t Bathe
Here at the university, we pride ourselves on making sure that the focus always stays where it belongs: on YOU! You are the reason we are here and it is our job to make sure you receive all the attention you deserve. We even think it’s important to give you ideas for how to make yourself stand out in the crowd… not that you don’t already.
For that reason, we would like to issue some public words of encouragement to our students who never make use of their shower. (The dorm maintenance crew would also like to express their heartfelt gratitude.) You enter our classes with what appears to be an impressive sun tan. It makes you look hot and the professors can barely keep their hands off of you. But alas, it’s not a sun tan and it emits a fragrance that makes you the center of attention instead of the professor. That’s what student-centered education is really all about.
Those of us in the animal protection community would also like to thank you for your commitment to our cause. You show us that we should be kind to all animals, whether they’re cute like puppies or ugly like head lice. You are an inspiration to us all.
In closing, the university administration wants you, the unwashed student, to continue doing what you do best. Be proud of your hygienic accomplishments and stand tall, for eventually you will choke on your own cloud of dust.
Only the best die young.