TUI (Teaching Under the Influence)
I never showed up for class drunk, although I was sometimes tempted to. While it might have made me a more entertaining teacher, I doubt that the students would have been eager to sit in the classroom for another 30 minutes after my unfortunate little vomiting spells.
In spite of this, I have come to believe that TUI is an excellent way to improve your student evaluations. Who among us has not had students show up drunk for class, and who could believe that being drunk together wouldn’t increase camaraderie? If you’re drunk, you can’t cover as much information in an hour; that makes the tests so much easier for the students. On second thought, it makes the tests much easier unless you’re someone who remembers what he said when he was drunk. The correct answer on a test should always match what you told the students in class, so you could end up with something like:
Q: Who was the 3rd president of the United States?
correct answer: BLAAAAAAARGH
And then you could fail all of those annoying industrious students who did their homework and gave an answer that the book thinks is correct. Since books are an outdated technology and no one pays attention to them anyway, you have no reason to accept what the book says. Then again… if you want to keep your job, you probably should give the students inflated grades to make them happy. So, maybe you ought to bite your tongue and say that Thomas Jefferson is an acceptable correct answer.
It’s so much easier to accept an answer like that when you’re already drunk.