Ejaculatio praecox (premature ejaculation): Brutus’ inability to keep stuff from flowing before the action starts shows that he obviously suffers from this.  It might also explain why he lost his last several girlfriends.

Dulce bellum inexpertis (war is sweet to the inexperienced): I’ve already shown that he enjoys battling when he admittedly has little experience or skill with it.  I’m also thinking that he loves tacky 80′s hits like “Love is a Battlefield” and enjoys the war because he is inexperienced.  As we learned from the ejaculatio praecox entry, it’s pretty clear that his partners aren’t as happy, which adds more to the explanation of why he lost his last several girlfriends.

Aegri somnia (a sick man’s dreams): Just take a look at the pictures accompanying his most recent posts and tell me if you think Brutus hasn’t gotten over his lack of access to the Roman bathhouses.

Virile agitur (the manly thing is being done): I’m sorry… just kidding!  There’s nothing manly about Mr. Brutus.

Deus ex machina (god from a machine): For the dramaturgically unsophisticated among you, this term refers to an outlandish plot twist that resolves a seemingly unresolvable situation in a play, much like a god coming out of a machine from the sky to make everything okay again.  And I love how cultural critics like Brutus seem to think that their writing transforms them into some sort of deus ex machina for the world’s ills.  (All the world’s a stage, right?)  He seems to think that cultural criticism from a little-read blog may have some impact.  How insane!  It’s not like he’s doing any whistleblowing or something else productive.  (And I happen to be better than that.  Sooner or later, my criticism will cause someone some deep emotional distress.  How’s that for impact?)

Horror vacui (nature abhors a vacuum): And naturally, we abhor a vacuum of sufficient Classical content.  If you’re going to go Roman, why call your blog “The Spiral Staircase?”

Here are some suggestions for names that might fit the blog better:

Nemo Saltat Sobrius (nobody dances sober): But, be sure to mention that you’re a teetotaler

Quidquid Latine Dictum Sit Altum Videtur (anything that is said in Latin sounds profound) : Let’s face it… the whole faux Roman theme Brutus has going on is a way to make his blog look more profound.  This line would fit right in.

Ad Astra Per Alas Porci (To the stars on the wings of a pig): Someone important may have told Brutus that he’d become a writer when pigs fly, and now pork is going off into space.  Unfortunately, the whole situation is kind of a letdown.  We were expecting Porky to go airborne but the best thing we got was bacon on the space shuttle.  So I guess The Spriral Staircase will have to do.

Ejaculatio Praecox: Maybe he’ll get more women if they know his weak points in advance…

You may have seen me express my disapproval with the continued use of Sigmund Freud’s outdated theories.   You may even have been shocked to hear that people still quote those theories as though they were a definitive source of knowledge.  But now I have something new for you, my dear readers.  I am going to add a stage to Freud’s incomplete theories of psychosexual development.

Freud claimed that there were five stages of psychosexual development: oral, anal, phallic, latency, and genital.   You may also notice that four of these five stages are named for body parts that can be used in sexual acts.  Unfortunately, Freud failed to capture the full range of psychosexual development because I’ve found someone who is in a different stage.

Meet Theflashion.  If you visit his blog, you’ll find a lot of headless photos that have people’s bellybutton region in the center of the photo; some entries focus exclusively on people’s guts or bellybutton shots.  The blog doesn’t really focus much on other parts of the body, so I think we’ve discovered a new obsession: the bellybutton stage.

But you may object: That can’t be possible! If there’s another stage of development that Freud missed, shouldn’t it also be something people can use during a sex act?  If you asked that, you would be wrong again… and you would be showing your true lack of imagination.  There’s an obvious reason why Theflashion doesn’t reveal his gender on his blog: he must have a tiny penis and the bellybutton is the one hole on other people’s bodies he can use for his own pleasure.  (@ Theflashion: I apologize if I am using the wrong gender pronoun.  Maybe you’re a she who has a tiny penis.)

And I’ll close with a trivia question for everyone: which of the bellybuttons on Theflashion’s blog do you think he has had relations with?

(See, everyone?  I promised that you’d get your dose of penis humor.)

Oh… wait.  That’s not Adam Richman?  Darn.  It sure looked like him.

Despite that huge disappointment, we do have an exciting victim who happens to be an Adam Richman lookalike.  His name is Josh Sterner and he hates working in retail.   He gives a lot of reasons (and visits the topic elsewhere on his blog) but a lot of these probably apply to people in other lines of work as well.  Before he complains about these things again, I’d like to ask him a few hard-hitting questions about his job:

1: Are you required to transport old, moldy meat and produce out of the store.  I did not see that on your list and that worries me.  I’ve seen the occasional green loaf of bread and fuzzy sirloin on the shelves but it worries me that your employer is not forcing you to do these unpleasant tasks.  By not complaining about your employer making you do this, you are opening your paycheck-giver to litigation and that would be bad for your professional future.

2: Does your store rent out those fancy vacuum cleaners?  When you’re stuck doing a night shift with no customers around, have you ever tried giving your dog a bath with one of those things?

3: Have you ever tried giving a coworker a bath with one of those things?

4: Did you start dating that coworker soon after that night?

5: How many crushed insects can the customer expect to find in the average loaf of bread?

6: How many crushed insects can the customer expect not to notice in the average loaf of bread?

7: Why did your store stop carrying my favorite product?

8: Why do you always get 500 people asking you that question AFTER the product is discontinued when there were only 20 people who ever bought it in the first place?

9: Is there anything in that yellow frosting other than sugar and water?  Or: do you have less nauseating ways to release your stress?

10: Do you realize that you named your employer in an earlier post?

So let’s look at some of the things she wants to do this summer:

Get a tan

With British weather?  Good luck…

Complete a 5k run without dying

It’s easier than she thinks, so this isn’t very ambitious.  If she does a little every day, her total will eventually come out to 5k.

Meet some new people

Go shopping and say hi to the cashier.  That counts.

Have a proper picnic

Bring on those wild and crazy times!

See someone famous

They’re on TV all the time.  What’s the problem?

Draw/Paint something/someone

May I recommend a stick figure?  It’s easy to do and she’d get it right on her first try.

Tie Dye!

The dawning of the Age of Aquarius is a long time past.

Revamp some old clothing

I hope “revamp” doesn’t mean “tear it enough to make me look like a prostitute”  She’s too young.

But she’s missing the most important item of all: Don’t get pregnant.  Her most recent blog post is called “Why sensible kids don’t get pregnant at 16″ but she’s not striving to do what the sensible kids do.  Children really shouldn’t be allowed to reveal how insensible they are online.  Her parents should be watching over her internet activity more closely.  Maybe they could take her on a proper picnic.  That might keep her out of trouble.  And then they can build a dollhouse together; that sounds like a nice, healthy new hobby… and she’s looking for one of those too.  But no Ken dolls for our little victim; even though I doubt he’s anatomically correct, the little lady could get some bad ideas into her head by taking off his clothes.

Or her parents could just buy her a chastity belt.  That ought to keep her from becoming pregnant…

Boys have a penis.  Girls have a vagina.

That’s right!  And today’s Mr. Ignorant is Maxim.  Maxim, who probably owns a set of male genitals, seems completely clueless about what that biology looks like.  Here’s an x-ray from his blog:

Oh where to begin?  I’ll start at the top.  Even though we use the word as popular slang, there is no bone in the penis.  And if Maxim’s fits through the hole in the top of that x-ray, I feel very very sorry for him.

That must be why his balls look so sad.  It’s a shame too because some part of Maxim’s anatomy needs to be called Mr Happy.  Maybe his belly button is bigger.

And if we look more closely at his balls, we’ll notice that there’s foreskin on both sides.  I think his mohel missed something.  Or: maybe the mohel decided to have mercy and let that little deformation pass by.  That looks like it would be painful to remove.

On the other hand, Maxim’s little deformation gives new meaning to the phrase “getting some head.”

And for someone who is obviously so clueless about standard male anatomy and sex in general, I find it astonishing that he has a picture on his blog of how he was conceived.  Maybe this explains the deformations:

And then there’s a photo of his birth:

Unfortunately, Maxim seems to think that these pictures are:

1: a monster in a child’s bedroom
2: a monster called the Blob 

He must have led a sheltered childhood if he can look at those images and not realize what they are.

And he says he’s a teacher.  Just think of the things he could be unwittingly traumatizing those kids with.  Before you can be an educator, you ought to be educated; Maxim is a shining example of that.

And then there are the honest people like Tilly Bud, a.k.a. the Laughing Housewife. If you visit her blog, you’ll find that she puts herself out on the table for everyone to see:

I am a little fat. I like food; what can I say? I have dull hair: mousey. I don’t wear much make-up and have no need of a dressing table. If I look like a bag lady, I chose my own clothes. If I look nice, the Hub picked them for me.

And look at the photo of herself she put in her header:

And she keeps a less conspicuous photo of herself on her “About” page, where she also has pictures of her kids and permissive husband.  She puts up a good facade, but there are cracks.  (It’s always the modest, quiet people who are the sickest.)  This is the same woman who has a post called “I Know What You Did Last Night. You Disgusting Creature” and it’s moments like that where she shows her true colors.

That’s right, my friends, we have our first dominatrix here at Necrotic Hijinks!  It’s odd to meet a dominatrix who wants to get her butt whipped (usually it’s the other way around) so she may not be very good at sex work.  There’s something about the whole “housewife by day, BDSM queen at night” that’s a little questionable.  How exactly does she punish her children?  Is it legal to spank your children in Great Britain?

With what he has learned from his mother, I bet her teenage son is quite popular with the ladies.

And take another look at her header photo.  Imagine a dominatrix who makes faces like that when she’s punishing you.  Is she reacting to the stench because you forgot to clean your naughty bits beforehand?  Are those glasses supposed to make her slave feel like he has a small penis?  And shouldn’t she think about sharpening those teeth so she can inflict some additional pain?  Those canines look a little too flat.

And just imagine a dominatrix laughing that way at you as you strip down.  I bet it’s not an evil laugh.  It’s probably a giggle and snort like you’d expect from the female reincarnation of Steve Urkel.  But then again, there are a lot of sickos out there who would go for something like that… and Tilly Bud would know.  Therefore, I have to give her a lot of credit for her intelligent marketing tactics. (And: I expect to receive 33% of the extra profits she receives for her “services” from people who discovered her through my blog.)

Today, I am taking aim at A.M. Harte, who happens to be a published writer of “zombie love” stories. I think that officially makes me NOT the sickest person on WordPress.  Fortunately, Harte has also figured out that there’s a limit to how far a person can go with someone who is dead.  If you’re going to do zombie love, you’ll need a different type of love.  And here’s what she has to offer:

I think that's a phallic knife.

If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then the way for a Zombie to get to your heart is through your stomach.  And that seems to be what Harte is proposing.  In her blog, she offers up writing tips that are modeled after instructions for baking a cake.  This is a classic example of someone not being willing to give up the tricks of their trade.    Does anyone really believe that this woman spends her time baking cake?  Therefore, I would like to offer up a revised version of her writing tips so that people who want to write zombie stories will find something that is relevant to them:

—————

Writing is like frying zombie brains (and other body parts).

There are thousands of different kinds of zombies and thousands of different ways to make them tasty. But the basic ingredients remain the same: flour, sugar, eggs, butter…

So what are the basic ingredients every story should have?

Frying Zombie Hearts (and other body parts)

Ingredients:
• Plot
• Characters
• Setting
• Theme

Instructions:
1. The zombie feet are the plot of the story.
It’s the basis, the foundation — more than just a chain of tiny little bones. If they are not washed properly, they will turn your entree into a foul mess.  Although zombie feet with the traditional odor may sound tasty, you need to liven up your zombie’s flavor if you want anyone to eat them.  Chewing on zombie feet is a romantic activity that is not prohibited by law, which is an added bonus.

2. The zombie heart is the main character.
It adds flavor, but that’s not all: it adds volume and keeps your story fresh. If you slice and dice it properly, you will find that a generous amount of blood will spurt out into your entree.  That gives your dinner a nice irony taste and your story all the gratuitous violence it needs.

3. The setting is the butter.
Harte says, “It glues the characters and plot together, it provides texture and depth.”  Um… no.  The butter provides a lubricating agent that allows the zombie love to proceed smoothly.  You can never have too much butter.

4. And the zombie bile is the theme.
It’s the hidden ingredient without which everything would fall apart.  Since zombie flesh tends to fall apart during cooking and sex, you need something to hold it together.  Everyone loves scatological humor, and who doesn’t get excited to see the friendly neighborhood zombie pooping on the buffet table?

And now you are ready to publish your own exciting zombie love stories, subject to state and local laws.

—————

This has been another installment of “Victimizing Other Bloggers.”  If you would like to become a future victim, click on the “Become a Victim” picture and leave a request.  Being a victim might not be as much fun as zombie love, but few things are.

My business partner is Sandylikeabeach, and together we have discovered the secret to eternal youth and beauty.  Just take a look at this picture:

This is what Hillary Clinton could have looked like if she had taken better care of herself.

VA-VA-VA-VOOM!  And she’s FIFTY!!!!   Sandy’s friends get excited when her boobs come flying out of her clothes, too.  That’s something you should aspire to.

And you could have it if you purchase our product.  Since we believe in simplicity, we are calling it “Sand.”  You can rub Sand all over your body and it eliminates all of those pesky wrinkles in a flash.  Sand is cheaper than Oil of Olay and it’s not subject to liquid restrictions that the TSA has placed on airline passengers.  (Caveat: we still cannot guarantee that the security guards will allow you to take this on a plane.)

But wait, there’s more!  For all of you creationists out there, this is a great way to hinder evolution.  Sandy says her soul is still evolving, which doesn’t conflict with your religion because she’s not saying anything that could be wrongly interpreted as evidence against the existence of a Higher Power.  You’re more concerned about biological evolution and Sandy has you covered there.  By preventing wrinkles, Sand keeps your skin from evolving.  Sandy has shown her dedication to the cause of Static Skin Biology by refusing to be tattooed.  This is a valiant statement in favor of your theological cause.  She also doesn’t do threesomes with the married men she flirts with on Craigslist, which means that our product contributes to the promotion of healthy family values.

I can’t say it often enough: Sand is good for the skin and good for the soul.

And that brings me to the second question: what I would want to do.  A lot of businesses assume that a Ph.D. means that I don’t want to be working for them, that a Ph.D. would only be happy in the university.  As you know about me by now, that’s not true.   I’ve been amazed at how much there is outside of the university and I’ve seen quite a few things (that are legal in at least 25 states) that would make me very happy.  I don’t much feel like going through a complete list, so I’ll offer up a take on my dream job… if it exists anywhere.  And to get things started, I have a pretty little picture for you:

Okay, so it’s a cheap PowerPoint slide, but this picture symbolizes the kind of job I would like to have.  To protect their jobs, educators spend a lot of time inflating students’ self-esteem and the kids often become arrogant and a little lazy.  And then businesses hire them and have to figure out a way to make them productive.  These kids need pretty little pictures if they are to pay attention to reading material and, like with the picture, they have a hard time deciphering anything that hints at their lack of unique awesomeness.  It is my hope that a business will hire me as an educational deprogrammer who will put these kids in their place explain to these kids what was done to them when they were students.  Because I’ve worked in college teaching, I understand the psychological complexes that the universities are sowing in their students and I can speak with authority when I tell the kids that it’s not their fault that they need to change.  (And let’s be honest: “it’s not your fault” is the only message the kids will listen to.  Fortunately, it’s the truth.)

I’ve never heard of a job like this… but if your business needs help straightening out its recent hires, I would be happy to victimize them.  And I even promise to be nice about it!  I’ll be my usual happy-go-lucky self.

1.  I have a Ph.D.

2. I am unemployed.

3. I blog anonymously.

The anonymous blogging thing may seem like a no-brainer to many of you.  You probably think that a lot of my humor would turn off potential employers who are looking for someone a little less cruel, vicious, and outlandish.  Of course, you’d be wrong… as usual.

It's easier to be forgiven for cruel acts than for being highly educated.

Now that I have left the university, I am often confronted by people who believe that Ph.D.-holders are incapable of interacting with “normal” people or being an enjoyable colleague to have around.  The education is supposed to turn you into a lifeless walking brain.  Hooray for stereotypes, and all that other stuff!

But that situation is also liberating when I sit down to blog.  If a company is ever able to attach my real name to this blog, what could they possibly say against me?  No matter how brutal or grotesque I become around here, I will always be more wonderful on this blog than they think I’d be in the office.   Despite that, I have no intention of going public with my true identity any time soon.  That also means I won’t be posting any nude photos of myself; I apologize for the disappointment.

And there’s one more interesting fact to consider.  After less than five weeks in existence, this blog is already inching towards Alexa’s top million websites for the past month.  So… yeah.  Stupid Ph.D. person can’t connect with other people.  Right…

PS: If you would like me to post nude photos of you, please send them to me and I will consider putting them on my test blog. If you don’t want me to post nude photos of you, please send them to me anyway and I promise not to post them.   It’s almost wonderful to live in a world where asking people for nude photos is less likely to get me in trouble than writing intellectual posts about philosophy or history.   On the other hand, a world where nude photos are valued more than knowledge is a world where Sarah Palin can become president.