Today’s Victim: The Search Engine
Like everyone else, I find that people use some really odd search terms to get to my blog. Instead of showcasing these like everyone else does, I’ve decided to have a little fun with them. On this post, you will find four polls. All of the questions and answers are search terms that people have found my blog with. I’ll check the results in about a week and write a post that is based on the winning answers. I reserve the right not to write the post if you pick stupid answers…
What Cougars Like to Put in their Mouths (And What We Don’t)
Today I am writing about a blog written by someone who goes by the name M. Rae. Fortunately, this is her bowling name… which means that we’re off to the gutter again.
M. Rae’s blog is called Peas and Cougars and the banner image shows the cougar chewing on something tasty:
That’s right, the cougar is chomping on a pea. There are several reasons why this might be significant. Cougars are old by definition and they need a high fiber diet to stay healthy. But: there’s another P-word that cougars like to have between their lips… but this is a PG-rated blog and it is impolite to talk about that here. If we talk about impolite things, the WordPress Angel of Doom will come for us.
The danger is that our cougar (M. Rae) and the catlike Angel of Doom will get friendly and make cougar babies:
Um… no. That was a misprint. Since no one in their right mind would want to have sex with babies, we will have to find a new use for these cougar kittens. It was hard for me to find anything on M. Rae’s site that wasn’t sexually charged, but there was one idea that really stands out in my mind:
And that brings me back to the high fiber diet. M. Rae is doing a great disservice to her readers by encouraging them to follow that healthy practice; it makes everything taste bad. Those kittens would have loved to give up their lives to make a tasty entree and she’s insulting their sacrifice by cooking up “Peas and Cougars.”
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This has been another installment of Victimizing Other Bloggers. All images were taken from Peas and Cougars, although I did have some fun messing with the picture from this post.
And as a gratuitous public service announcement: don’t forget that sharing these posts and clicking on my Facebook Like Box will help future victims find this blog. We all must work together to make sure that everybody has a chance to be victimized! (When I run for President, that last sentence will be my campaign slogan. I tell it like it is…)
How to Sleep With Your Professor’s Husband
Dear Students,
Two weeks ago, I wrote a memo on how to sleep with your professor’s wife. Because there are plenty of female students among you, I am finally getting around to writing the additional set of guidelines I promised. If you plan on pursuing extracurricular activities with your professor’s husband, please adhere to the following supplemental protocols:
1: He needs to use a condom if you might take another course from his wife. Sooner or later, the professor is going to see your love child and notice that it looks an awful lot like her man. This will not help your GPA. If you are in your final semester at the university, you have nothing to worry about and can leave the condom at home.
2: You can’t bring him back to the dorm with you. Older men look creepy (and therefore attract attention) in a women’s dorm. You may object that there is a double standard at play: male students can bring the professor’s wife back to the dorm but the female students shouldn’t bring the professor’s husband. You need to understand that there is a very important difference… the parents of the male students won’t refuse to pay his room and board if they learn of an older topless woman in the dorm.
3: Make sure he doesn’t bring a video camera, especially if his wife works in the drama department. This one should explain itself. If you’re going to be a pervert’s victim, at least have the foresight to not let your escapades become high art. Porn pays so much better and we want you to make lot of money so you can donate generously to our annual fund.
If you obey our commands and behave responsibly, you will succeed in not ruining your academic life. You’ll also help keep our fundraising goals intact. Thank you very much and have a nice day.
A Do-It-Yourself Guide to Performing Breast Enhancement Surgery
You are the most brilliant person the world has ever seen and you can do anything you put your mind to. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not good enough and can’t follow your dreams. Every dream is precious and you should not abandon your opportunity to make improvements to the world.
And to the men who are reading this blog, I know that many of you are dreaming that the woman in your life had bigger boobs. Because today’s humanities scholars keep telling us that science is a sham, you’re now able to justify performing an expensive cosmetic procedure yourself and fulfill your deepest desire!
So let’s get started.
Step 1: Remove the patient’s clothes, but don’t get too distracted by the view. The time for fun and games is later.
Step 2: Apply the anesthetic. Since you are valiantly sailing the waters of independent action instead of settling for a hospital, you will need to locate an appropriate painkiller. You’re not going to be able to find anything effective over-the-counter, so I suggest going with good old-fashioned formaldehyde. Just make sure not to use too much or else your patient could die. That would be bad.
Step 3: Make the first incision. The trick is to cut deep enough to slip in the implant. But: you have to remember not to puncture anything important. Keep a medical diagram nearby to help you avoid the vital organs.
Step 4: Insert the implant. Saline and silicone implants are way too common and you want your girl to be hi-tech. So go with the silicon breast implant. It may look like a block of shiny rock right now but it should soften up over time.
Step 5: Close up the incision. If you can sew, you can do the stitches yourself. Don’t say you can’t sew. You can do anything you put your mind to. Give it a shot. You don’t need any training. See? You did a wonderful job. Everyone should be proud of you.
Step 6: Call a lawyer. If your patient died, you are going to need someone to explain to the jury that it wasn’t your fault. The lawyer will understand that your need for self-expression trumps any other considerations. If your patient survived the procedure, you should expect her to sue you and perhaps bring up criminal battery charges as a way of making her money-grabbing scheme work better. Women can be so greedy and fickle sometimes.
Step 7: Get your immunizations up to date. Unfortunately, the criminal justice system is not sufficiently equipped to comprehend your medical magnificence. That means you’re going to jail and you’ll be getting a lot more sex than you ever got from that old wench.
Bring Back Crucifixion
How many times have we heard students claim that they were “crucified” by their teachers for doing poor work? As a certified old fogey (who is less than 45 years old), I would love to demand that students stop these unfair exaggerations. The comparison to Jesus’ killers makes teachers look bad. And since students often think they’re God, the metaphor is easily predicted. So… rather than embark on the impossible quest of teaching students that they are average humans, I propose that we bolster their existing self-perception. Besides improving students’ self-esteem (the primary goal of education), it will help us keep our jobs by making the customer happy.
In this spirit, I propose that the university pass a policy that will allow professors to perform crucifixions on students. Besides the obvious psychological benefits to the crucified student, the community will make valuable gains as well. Let’s be honest: how often does history come alive like this for students? It would be a great educational demonstration that students would never forget. And: since the university likes to promote permissive sexual attitudes, having a naked student bleeding profusely in public would help tremendously in achieving that aspect of social justice.
We must liberate society from oppressive moral standards!
The Arachnid Penis
Ever since I wrote my first post (in which I suggested “The Arachnid Penis” as a good blog title) I have been trying to come up with a way to inseminate that image into a future post. It’s a relatively small (pun intended) and insignificant topic unless you happen to be a spider, so ideas weren’t pouring out of me. So maybe if I take a closer look at spiders, I will come up with something to do with the penis. (Get your mind out of the gutter.)
When we think of spiders, we usually think of their fangs and their legs. So when you add penises in, these animals are the epitome pf phallic creatures- especially since their fangs like to jam their way into other creatures. And so I must apologize for not having a picture to go with this post. I understand that sexually suggestive photography is everyone’s favorite part of biology but I am not here to pander. I am here to teach you about a serious topic that deserves your respect and undivided attention.
And at this point I am starting to sound like the average professor. How many professors like to argue that their research interests are significant, often with the assertion that all knowledge is important, but without being able to tell you exactly why your tuition dollars should help pay for their work. In fairness, there’s a lot of arcane research out there (especially in the STEM fields) that looks ridiculous or unimportant that may eventually prove valuable; therefore, we need to be careful about what research we attack as useless. However, the seventeenth book on hermaphrodites in Shakespeare’s tragedies seems like a waste of money.
As Shakespeare wrote, “I have drunk, and seen the spider.” So, too, do many professors drink and discover research pursuits that are equally small. I’ll grant that spiders are an important part of our ecosystem… but the way many professors think, “I saw the spider” means “I saw the spider naked.” And that means we’re talking about the insignificant arachnid penis again.
I propose that arachnid penises have no place at the university, with the possible exception of Women’s Studies departments. If you spend enough time around Women’s Studies professors, your anatomy will soon shrink to the size of an arachnid penis. And that helps the feminists feel good about themselves.
Ten Sickening Ways to Bribe Your Students for Food
This one goes out to all of the teachers and professors who are doing summer school duty…
It’s the 4th of July and all of the grocery stores are closed. You had wanted to have a barbecue today but you didn’t have enough time to go shopping for food yesterday. You’ve got chips, vegetables, and dip on hand but you’re short on meat. How might you go about finding some today?
In theory, you could go outside and catch some insects or small rodents; your friends might not appreciate that, but it’s always a possibility. Otherwise, you could find some ribs and you can probably get some from your students. Each student has 24 ribs and considering the way many students treat their bodies, they won’t mind if you cause a little more damage. (Well, I suppose you should at least try to be gentle with the hacksaw…) So without further ado, here are ten ways to convince students to part with their rib cages so you can enjoy a tasty treat:
1: Remind them that they will be losing weight if they part with some ribs. (That might be enough to convince them already.) Then, offer to purchase them a new shirt this weekend.
2: Give them a couple of extra days to finish the next homework assignment. Remind them that they can have more time to complete it if the loss of blood causes a medical emergency. (Teachers have to be understanding of students’ personal needs when it comes to enforcing course policies.)
3: Offer to help them fill out an application for yet another credit card. Since so many college students have problems with basic literacy skills, this could be a godsend for them.
4: Offer to buy alcohol for anyone under 21. In other words: they can have a great party this weekend if they let you have a great party now.
5: Offer them leniency in the area of course attendance. This is especially useful if all three of their grandmothers have already died this semester.
6: Offer them a signed copy of your Facebook home page. Students love knowing about their professors’ online lives and this gift will make them feel special.
7: Offer to give them an A on their term paper if they “accidentally” bleed on it.
8: Offer to buy them porn and remind them that they might be able to reach certain body parts with their mouth if they let go of a few ribs.
9: Offer to give them a full-body shave before you start extracting ribs; some kids would go wild for this. (This really isn’t a bribe because sanitary rib removal would require at least a partial body shave. You are using sanitary methods, right?)
10: For female students: remind them that their breasts will look bigger if they don’t have ribs. Offer to buy them a fancy new bra to show off in. After all, what student hasn’t always wanted to say to her friends, “look at the bra my professor bought me?”
But you may object: are you sure that today’s students are really this reckless with their health? Yes, I am sure… but student ribs probably don’t taste very good anyway. Meat always tastes like what the animal ate and barbecue should not taste like Ramen and Oreos. Plus: you might also want to avoid consuming too many ribs if you have to pass a drug test in the near future…
Moral of the story: There’s very little a teacher can do to a student that is worse than what students already do to themselves.
Why I’m Glad July 4th is During Summer Vacation
The 4th of July is almost here; while I’m looking forward to some fireworks, there are some fireworks I’m glad I won’t be seeing.
As you know, the holiday does not take place during the regular school year. This means that our colleges and universities do not have an opportunity to smear this holiday like they do for others. Let’s take Valentine’s Day as an example. On many campuses, Valentine’s Day has morphed into V-Day. No, that’s not a WWII reference and the V does not stand for Valentine. The V is for Vagina. In theory, this is a brilliant idea. Let’s take a day when many of the men will be taking a female companion out and lead up to it by constantly reminding them of vaginas. It sounds like a great rape prevention program! (Yes, that was sarcasm in case you couldn’t tell. The real reason professors support the idea of “V-Day” is that they think it will allow women to take control of language that has been used to demean them. I’m not joking.)
And so now we arrive at the Fourth of July. If college were in session, the faculty might try a different abbreviation: F-Day. I’m sure you all can come up with some nice F-words that are thematically related to vagina, so I won’t go there. Instead, I will go with the most taboo F-word on college campuses today: Failure. That’s right! Professors without tenure (and some who have tenure) cannot fail a student without putting their job in jeopardy; as I’ve indicated many times on this blog, failing students costs the university money and it can cause an academic department to receive reduced funding from the university. And since these professors can’t fail their students, they need to find someone else to fail. It makes the professors feel good about themselves.
So they choose to fail the United States, and does anyone doubt that the 4th of July would be F-Day if classes were in session? To be fair, the U.S. is hardly perfect, but there is something to be said for recognizing this country’s strengths in addition to its shortcomings. Most of the time, professors like to harp on the shortcomings to the point that the big picture is lost. Every day is F (for Failure) Day on campus when you’re talking about the United States. Let’s be glad that one day still exists every year when the pendulum is allowed to swing in the other direction.
But if you must celebrate “F-Day” tomorrow, I hope the F stands for something fun.
Happy 4th of July!
How to Sleep With Your Professor’s Wife
Dear students,
I am writing to you today to address a topic of grave concern. While the university wants you to take advantage of everything we have to offer, it has come to our attention that many of you are taking advantage of your professors’ wives. (A separate memo will be issued to students who have been sleeping with their professors’ husbands.) Because this behavior has a major impact on our community, we would like to provide some basic guidelines:
1: Use a condom. Your professors spend much of their time around attractive young people, contract a variety of STD’s, and then go home to their wives. The professor’s wife is probably quite diseased by now and should not be handled without the appropriate precautions.
2: Skip class. Your escapades will have a happier ending if the professor does not find out what you are doing. Therefore, we recommend skipping the professor’s class and visiting his wife at that time. Since you know he’ll be teaching, he can’t catch you in the act. While you might think that skipping class will be detrimental to your education, please remember that your education will be worthless if the professor kills you in a fit of rage.
3: Don’t post pictures online. We know you want to brag, but this is really inconsiderate. We expect you to adhere to the highest moral standards at all times; therefore, please make sure that your photos remain a private matter between you, the professor’s wife, and your fraternity brothers.
4: Say “thank you.” Always remember that the professor’s wife is providing you with a valuable educational experience, so be polite when it’s through. It never hurts to send her flowers or candy, but don’t pay her cash. She’s not a prostitute.
If you follow these simple recommendations, you will get the most out of your college experience without making things difficult for yourself or others. Have a nice day!
Christian Conservative Euphemism for Penis
You guessed it! It’s time for more immature penis jokes from your favorite intellectual blog!
One of my favorite (and least favorite) online writers is Mike Adams; he does satire on some of the same excesses in American higher education I like to write about. He also does some serious religious columns, which are less to my tastes.
In his columns, Adams occasionally needs to refer to the male reproductive organ. The term he uses is “hoo-hoo dilly.” He calls the vagina a “cha cha,” which makes me glad that he doesn’t like to write about Latin dancing. I know that Adams is not the only person who uses the HHD word, but I’d like to take a closer look at it anyway. I think we all know that a dilly is a small pickle from “is that a pickle in your pocket?” fame, but what is a hoo-hoo? You guessed it! It’s the female reproductive area. So, the female reproductive area plus a tiny pickle equals what, exactly? (I’ll let you use your imaginations on that one.)
But let us assume that Adams’ readers are not familiar with the term “hoo-hoo dilly” from anywhere else. What could make Adams think that a goofy-sounding phrase like that would blend in with his traditional conservative screeds on sex and sexuality? It makes you wonder just how serious he intends to be, or perhaps he knows something about religious conservatives that the rest of us don’t. These Creationism-lovers don’t seem to be too fond of science, so perhaps they have moral objections to the correct anatomical terminology. I know that religious folks sometimes prefer to stick with words that appear in the Bible, so let’s see if that would sound right:
And the LORD created Adam and gave him a hoo-hoo dilly, and it was good.
Yeah, I didn’t think so either…
Feminist Professors to Declare that Michele Bachmann Has a Penis
Feminists have a problem these days. For the second presidential election cycle, the Republicans have a female candidate who is poised to potentially land in the presidency or vice-presidency. Feminist professors have been telling us for years that the time has come for a female president, both as a remedy to societal injustice and because women bring a different perspective to everything they do. Unsurprisingly, that “different perspective” corresponds to support for the leftist ideas they propagate in their personal and professional lives.
And now feminist professors are stuck trying to find a way to to stop yet another conservative female candidate. Sarah Palin was an idiot, which made their job a lot easier. Bachmann doesn’t seem too bright either, but she presents a different problem. Feminists have already used the “ditz card” on Palin. Using it again on Bachmann would open them up to the same kind of criticism they’ve been leveling at men for a long time. If they try to tar Bachmann with the idiot label, they become responsible for promoting a stereotype of female politicians as intellectually less capable than their male counterparts. The feminists are desperate for a solution.
For that reason, we should all expect feminist professors to start teaching that Bachmann has a penis. If she’s a man, her failure to adhere to leftist political beliefs is explained away without the feminists having to reconsider their precious philosophical beliefs. And if Bachmann is a man, they can slander her and her intelligence as much as they want without undermining their cause. But most importantly, this publicity stunt will let them walk around saying the word “penis” over and over again like a bunch of seventh graders. (They already do it with the word “vagina” every year around Valentine’s Day.) And where there are penises, there’s an opportunity for them to proclaim the Good News of their beloved and outdated Sigmund Freud. I also suspect that we’ll be seeing some very interesting photoshopped pictures of Bachmann in the coming weeks. Let’s just hope that the feminists keep the pics tasteful and don’t do any nude ones.
On second thought, maybe that last part is a little too much to ask.
Ryan Dunn, Bam Margera, and Other Deathly Fun
This morning, I took a look at the news headlines and found that three very telling stories had made the cut. The main ideas were:
- Margera mourns the death of his friend (his sobbing is emphasized).
- Margera had predicted that Dunn would die in a car crash.
- Margera is angry at Roger Ebert’s comment.
Even with all the fluff news pieces that come out today, I’m still amazed that “Man sobs over friend’s death” is considered newsworthy. Do people really need a journalist to tell them that the guy would be mourning? “Man dances at friend’s death site” would less dopey and probably a lot more entertaining to read.
But I would like to take come creative license with these headlines. When Ebert said that friends don’t let Jackasses drink and drive, there’s a little accusation hidden at the back of the comment. If you’re letting someone drink and drive, you share the fault for what they do. Margera wasn’t with Dunn before he died and he couldn’t possibly have “let” him drink and drive that night. But what about other nights? Besides what everyone got to see on TV (which was staged), I wonder if letting Dunn drink and drive was something he ever did, or did regularly. Maybe Margera’s breakdown was worse than most people’s because of that. This must be a terrible blow to his precious self-esteem. Pay attention to Margera’s response to Ebert:
“I just lost my best friend. I have been crying hysterical for a full day.”
Yeah, it’s all about “me,” not the guy who died. “I” just lost, not “Ryan” just lost. It’s good to see that people haven’t lost their sense of what’s important. But if we’re lucky, we’ll start seeing posters on university campuses with Dunn’s photo and the caption “Friends don’t let jackasses drive drunk.”
I normally can’t stand celebrity news stories, but it’s about time DUI was prominent in the news.
The Top 10 Ways Newt Gingrich Resembles a Spoiled College Student
If you have visited my blog before, you may think I am not fond of college students. Nothing can be further from the truth. I’ll admit that college students are young, prone to doing stupid things, and can be tremendously dangerous if given a supply of weapons. As long as they don’t do any grievous harm, it’s easy to forgive them for their shortcomings. For many students, it was their parents and teachers who spoiled them. It’s not their fault.
I say this because I’m about to hurl a huge insult at these kids: I am going to compare them to Newt Gingrich. So here are the top 10 ways Newt Gingrich resembles a spoiled college student.
10: Newt Gingrich has a voracious appetite for luxury goods that are way beyond his income level.
9: When Newt Gingrich indulges in those luxury goods and runs up a sizable credit card bill, he seems to expect that someone else will pick up the tab.
8: Even when his closest confidantes abandon him, he still acts like he’s right. (I can respect a man for taking a stand, and standing for a more intellectual political debate is a good thing. But if you’re going to pay someone to impart their knowledge and advice to you, you ought to pay at least some attention to it.)
7: Newt seems to be too naive to understand that he must choose between taking an unpopular stand and winning people over. A few select people can pull this off with the help of others, it it is truly arrogant to believe you can do it on your own.
6: Newt has had embarrassing sexual exploits he’d rather not discuss.
5: Newt seems unable to recognize that he is performing beneath the level of his peers.
4: Newt went on vacation when he was supposed to be working and expected to receive a free pass.
3: Newt blamed his family’s scheduling choices when he got caught going on vacation.
2: Newt seems to forget that no one cares how smart he was 5 or 10 years ago.
1: Although he is no longer young, he is still prone to doing stupid things and could be tremendously dangerous if given a supply of weapons.
Based on this list, I think we can all see that Newt Gingrich does not have the class to stand against Barack Obama. Let us never forget: When Obama’s grandmother died right before his big test, she really did die.
